


After all that time

by homeiswheretheheartis



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Bottom Harry, Bottom Louis, Break Up, Danielle and Louis only on the side, Feelings, Friends to Lovers, Happy Ending, Harry is just the sweetest human ever, M/M, Minor Character Death, On Hiatus, POV Harry, POV Louis, Reunion Sex, Top Harry, Top Louis, grieving louis, this is my first fic so bare with me
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-26
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-02 10:53:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 34,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8664886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/homeiswheretheheartis/pseuds/homeiswheretheheartis
Summary: "I'm sorry I fell asleep on you." Louis murmured.


  "It's alright" Harry answered. Because 'Oh no it's alright, I loved having you near me again, all sleepy and cuddly' seemed not the right thing to say at that point, he opted for adding "You seemed very tired, so I didn't want to wake you."

Harry and Louis broke up in 2012 because they just couldn't deal with all the hiding and closeting. Or well, Louis couldn't take it, since he was the one to break up with Harry. They tried to remain friends, being in the biggest boyband and all, but it just wasn't the same. Harry had to see Louis having girlfriends and living the straight life everyone expected him to. 
But one day during their Hiatus that started 2016, Harry finds Louis standing in front of his door. Will they find their way back to each other? Even though there is a baby and a girlfriend in the game?





	1. Finding ways

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone!
> 
> This is my first fic ever, so I hope that you guys like it.  
> English isn't my first language, so feel free to comment if you notice anything :)
> 
> I don't know exactly how fast I will update, depending on how much time I have in between studying.
> 
> Thank you for reading!!

Harry was just done putting everything from his suitcases into his closet, having arrived not more than 2 hours ago at his house in LA. The filming for Dunkirk at the outdoor sets was all wrapped up in Europe, now there were only a few weeks of filming left, and those will take place indoors at the Warner Bros studios in LA. Until then Harry had about one month of free time to spend with no obligations on the acting job. Even just to say that he had an actual "acting job" was still so new to Harry, he sometimes wouldn't believe it himself, would he not have been in the middle of it all, at the real set with all those real actors just a day ago.  
  
But now. One month. Harry doesn't remember a time when he had that much time on his own since the beginning of the X Factor. Of course he already made plans to invite his family and spent some quality time with them in LA, maybe even go on a spontaneous holiday. But in the meantime he could as well take advantage of the magnificent weather and rust relax, maybe gain some color as well.  
  
He stripped his clothes off, deciding that his boxers would have to suffice. Sue him, he just likes to be naked. And because he was alone in his house, it wasn't as if somebody would come to disturb him anyway.  
  
As he walked into his spacious kitchen, Harry realized that he could do with something to eat first, what really wasn't that unexpected after an eleven hour flight from London to Los Angeles. And maybe also because he was always hungry.  
After checking the fridge (he mailed his assistant a list to go grocery shopping to have a few basic ingredients at home when he arrived), he decided to do an easy stir fry. Just as he was in the middle of slicing the peppers and chicken, the doorbell rang. Well so much for not being disturbed. On the way to the front door, he tried to think of somebody who would come to visit him in the middle of a Sunday, especially because he didn't tell any of his LA friends that he was here yet.  
  
Harry opened the door and - hold on, what?  
  
The person standing there, looking exhausted and definitely very much hesitant to even be here, was the very last person Harry would have expected. Harry let his eyes wander from the bare feet in a pair of vans to the spider web tattooed on the shin, over the adidas shorts and a black skate tough tank top that he knew way too well. He looked up to see beautiful lips surrounded by a scruffy beard, a button nose and then - finally. As he gazed into those blue eyes, which were already staring back at him, seemingly doing a double take at his lack of clothes, he was lost of words. He never would have imagined to see those eyes in person during the hiatus that they took. And now here they were, holding so much emotions, which Harry couldn't really make out yet, staring back at him with a questioning gaze.  
Right. Maybe he should say something.  
  
"Louis."  
  
"Harry. Hi." Louis seemed to be surprised that Harry didn't scream at him or send him off right away. And don't get him wrong, Harry would have plenty reasons to do so. But in that moment he was a little overwhelmed with just seeing him again, and that he was here, at Harry's house.  
  
"Umm..." Louis anxiously looked at Harry again, with hesitant eyes.  
  
"Oh, right. Umm... Do you want to come in?" Harry asked. Louis seemed a little surprised again, knowing that he had no rights to expect anything from Harry, but gave a short nod and stepped into the foyer. And Harry was a little surprised of himself as well. He spent months trying to talk to Louis and all he got was a cold shoulder and rejection lined his way. But Harry was not one for holding a grudge that long, and it has been a few years after all. And he was immensely curious why Louis was here in the first place. So he could try and start with being a nice host.  
  
"Do you want a cup of tea? And I was just about to make my famous stir fry, we can share it if you want?" Harry asked as they walked in the direction of his kitchen.  
  
"Oh. Umm. Just a cup of tea would be nice. I'm not hungry. Thanks."  
  
"You sure? Not even a little bit?" Now that Harry looked closer, he could see that Louis was a little skinnier than he was during the promo season for MITAM at the end of last year. He couldn't help but wonder if Louis was alright. Losing weight was always a sign that he was under a lot of stress or pressure and took it out on himself.  
  
"No thank you. I'm good." Louis half-smiled.  
  
"Alright. Well I will try to hurry, I'm sure it won't take longer than 10 minutes. Do you want to sit and wait on the sofa?" Harry knew that it was not the best way to send you guest away so you can cook but he just needed a few minutes to gather himself and think about how on earth he should manage the not so usual situation of his ex-boyfriend being here after all these years of not even close to being friends.  
  
"Yeah okay." Louis turned around and started to walk, but then he faced Harry again. "Umm... where is your living room?" He blushed.  
And right. Harry forgot. Louis hasn't been here before.  
  
"Oh right. Just out that door again and straight through the foyer. You can't really miss it." Harry explained. "I'll be there in ten."  
  
"Okay. Thanks." Louis turned around and walked out of the kitchen.  
  
After the door was closed, Harry let out a huge breath and sank backwards against the fridge. What on earth was Louis doing here? Why would he come to Harry's house without texting or calling first? Harry just couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Louis was in fact there. In his living room, waiting for Harry to be done with cooking.  
Which... Cooking. Yeah, that's what he was about to do.  
  
So Harry pushed all those thoughts aside for the moment and put a pan on the stove to heat up. While the peppers and chicken roasted in the pan, he cooked some water to make two cups of tea. Reaching into his cupboard he pulled out all of his teabags, searching for some Yorkshire tea. Finally he found the right ones, not having used those in a long time. He usually drinks just herbal tea or something like that when he is alone.  
  
He put milk in one cup and sugar in the other and filled both with the hot water to let it sit for a few minutes.  
With the stir fry finished, he gathered some of it in a bowl, set it on a tray together with the now finished cups of tea and made his way over to the living room.  
  
Harry cautiously opened the door, half expecting Louis to have changed his mind and not be there anymore. But no, Louis was still there. He sat facing the windows, overlooking the garden (Harry has to remember to thank his gardener, it really looked amazing), so he hadn't noticed Harry coming in yet.  
  
Harry took some time to look at Louis again. He had one leg crossed under the other and one arm resting on the armrest. He looked beautiful of course, because when does he not? But still Harry could see that something wasn't right. Louis looked slightly tense and a little tired as far Harry could tell from his place facing Louis side.  
Closing the door at a normal volume, but not to startle Louis, Harry made his presence known. Louis turned to face the source of the sound and smiled slightly when he saw Harry.  
  
"Hey there." Harry smiled back. "I hope you didn't have to wait too long".  
  
"Oh no. I'm fine. Your garden looks beautiful by the way." Louis said. "Thank you for the tea".  
  
"You're welcome. I hope it's alright". Harry waited for Louis to take a sip of his cup, hoping he remembered to prepare it the right way.  
  
Louis brought the cup to his lips and took a small sip, face changing immediately into something between wonder and awe. "It's perfect Harry. Like always..." he trailed off.  
  
Harry wanted to say how he never could forget things like that or things about Louis in general, but decided it wasn't the right time to admit that. So he settled on a small "I'm glad".  
  
They sat there in silence for a moment, Harry eating his stir fry and Louis occasionally taking little sips from his tea (he always took ages to finish one cup, Harry remembered).  
  
"So... umm... why are you....","Listen Harry, I know I'm not..." they both spoke at the same time, stopping after they realized.  
  
"Not what?" Harry asked.  
  
"Not on the list of persons you are happy to see I can imagine..." Louis trailed off with a sad look on his face.  
  
"No. Lou." Harry said, cringing at the slip of the nickname. "Yes, I'm really surprised that you are here, I would have never expected you to show up just like you did, I mean... why would you after all this time? But no, I am happy to see you. I really am."  
  
He knew he was too forgiving and the look of complete surprise on Louis face on hearing Harry's words showed that he thought that too, but let's be real, it was Louis. He has always been Harry's weak point.  
  
"Oh. okay.... I just thought after all I've put you through..." Louis wondered out loud as he looked into Harry's eyes, searching for anything that showed him Harry had meant it.  
  
"Yeah, Louis. I remember what you did to me. Don't think I don't. But I just... I don't think it does me or you any good if we scream at each other right now and start a fight. We would just hurt each other all over again..." Harry explained, remembering how fast both of them always were to throw insults at each other if fights got heated.  
  
"I can see you clearly have something on your mind. Otherwise you wouldn't be here, right? So why don't you just tell me why you're here and then we can go from there... Is that okay with you?"  
  
"Why would you think that I...?" Louis tried denying his intentions.  
  
"Louis... Don't play dumb with me. I know your body language... And right now it is obvious that you are fighting with something in your head and clearly are not happy... Just tell me. You know you can trust me, right? Otherwise you wouldn't have come here." Harry tried to form a convincing smile.  
  
"Well..." Louis started. "I don't really know why I came here to be honest... It's just... I really don't know... Maybe I should leave" He sighed. "Yeah, I think it's best if I leave..."  
  
Before Harry could even process what Louis just said, Louis awkwardly stood up, and with a sad smile turned to leave the living room.  
But Harry was fast enough to shake himself out of his trance and catch Louis wrist softly in his hand.  
  
"Wait! Please, Lou..." This time Harry used the nickname on purpose.  
Louis tensed under that little contact of skin on skin and stopped.  
  
"Harry..." Louis seemed to be undetermined whether he should stay or leave.  
  
"Lou, come on. Please sit back and talk to me. What's going on?" Harry asked. "Everything alright between you and Danielle?" He decided to bring up what was like a little stab to his heart every time it was on the news.  
  
At that Louis shrunk visibly and let himself be led back onto the sofa. They sat down next to each other, Harry still holding Louis' wrist in his hand, so he tugged on it to gain his attention.  
Louis looked at him and as his eyes met Harry's, he inhaled a shaky breath.  
  
"What's wrong Louis?" Harry asked again, stroking his thumb over the pulse point at Louis' wrist.  
  
"Nothing's wrong, Harry... I'm just exhausted as fuck." Harry knew that Louis avoided the truth, but didn't interrupt him. "Filming for AGT was great, but not a good time having to be away while being in the middle of Freddie's custody battle and of course I'm supposed to have enough time to make my girlfriend happy as well." Louis looked down at his lap but did not take his hand away from Harry's grasp.  
  
"Oh yeah, I heard about the custody battle. How's that going by the way?" Harry remembered exactly the moment when Louis revealed he was going to be a dad last year. His heart literally shattered for the second time in his life, after the first time because of their breakup in 2012. Every little ounce of hope Harry had stored in his heart of ever getting back together and starting their own little family was destroyed with that one little sentence.  


_***Flashback July 2015***  
_  
_The boys just got back off stage after their concert in San Diego. It was still weird to all of them to perform without Zayn but Harry thought they were finally at a point where they knew all the parts and were confident with them. They still had each other which was a big plus. Even if all of them weren't as close as at the beginning, everyone having sort of built up their own life apart from One Direction. But during those shows they had that stage presence and drive just like at the very beginning.  
_  
_"Great night, Lads!" Niall shouted enthusiastically and gathered all of them into a sort of group hug.  
_  
_"Yeah. Awesome night." Louis said and Harry could immediately tell that he was distracted by something else in his thoughts.  
_  
_"Listen, lads..." Louis continued. And, well, Harry had been right. There was something else.  
_  
_"I have something to tell you...". Liam and Niall looked confused at Louis serious tone. "What is it Lou?" Liam asked.  
_  
_"Let's sit down for a moment?" Louis hesitantly led them over to the sofa. And oh god. That didn't sound too well in Harry's opinion. Louis must have done something stupid or something very bad must have happened. Liam and Niall seemed to think so too, as they both were silent and followed Louis to sit down._  
_When the three of them were sitting, Louis still standing, or sort of walking around with nervous steps, Louis began to ramble.  
_  
_"I don't really know how this could have happened... I really don't... I never thought that sort of thing would happen to me. Oh god... I don't know how to tell you guys. This could change everything we worked so hard for these last few years..."  
_  
_"Louis, you're really starting to worry us, mate." Niall said. "Just tell us what you want to say."  
_  
_Harry didn't really know what to think. What could be that huge to possibly destroy their career? The only point he could think of was that Louis slipped up and got papped kissing a guy and was now forced out of the closet. But Louis told Harry once that he was the only guy Louis ever kissed and ever wanted to kiss. Like the exception from the rule. So it was unlikely that that had happened. But what was it then?  
_  
_"I...It's..." Louis really fought with his words._ _"I'm going to be a dad."  
_  
_Whoa. Wait - what?? How on earth? Did Louis just really say that?  
_  
_"Are you serious?" Liam was speechless.  
_  
_"I am." And yeah. Apparently Harry heard that right. Oh god. Louis got a girl pregnant.  
_  
_"Wait. Who is the mum? Is it Eleanor? You guys broke up months ago... Did she just wait to tell you the truth? Or is it someone else?" Niall spoke up for the first time since Louis confession.  
_  
_And yeah. Harry really didn't want to know or hear about whoever the mother to Louis child was going to be. He stood up and walked out of the room as fast as he could without looking back. He could hear Liam and Niall shouting "Harry" and "where are you going?" after him but he ignored them and made his way to the exit where the cars would wait to bring them to their hotels. He just needed to get out of there.  
_  
_As he was sat in the car, looking outside the tinted window, the tears silently started to fall down his cheeks. Arriving at the hotel, he walked through the back entrance, not being able to face someone right now. He got in the lift, pressed the button to the 10th level and sank down to the floor as soon as the doors closed.  
_  
_He didn't even know why it hit him so hard, Louis and him were over for almost three years now. But maybe it was because of the countless conversations they shared once about starting a family of their own as soon as they were allowed to come out or discussing baby names and colors for their nursery. They both wanted to have children as soon as possible. Now Louis at least held up his side of their dream. Being a dad before 25. Just not with Harry as the other dad.  
_  
_The sound of the elevator doors opening brought him out of his thoughts and he lifted himself up off the floor, trying to remember his room number. After opening his door, he stripped his clothes off, fell face forward into his mattress and tucked himself tightly into his duvet. With the tears still running but no sobs coming through, he somehow fell asleep._

_~~~_

_He was woken up later that night by Liam and Niall banging loudly against his door. After he let them and checking if he was alright, they told him what Louis told them. That he was with that girl - called Briana apparently - for a few times, nothing serious, more just to get over Eleanor for good. And somehow the condom must have broken so she ended up pregnant._  
_Harry didn't know if he should be relieved or not, that Louis wasn't in a relationship with the mother of his child. He also couldn't help but wonder about whether or not that girl was telling the truth and what her intentions would be. But if Louis believed her, Harry had to do so as well... For now at least._

_~~~_

_Louis didn't come to see or talk to him about his upcoming fatherhood again, but what did he expect. Probably not the favorite conversation to share with your ex-boyfriend when you are on a world tour. Over the next weeks they sort of danced around each other, ignoring the issue if they could. Harry tried to keep his emotions in check every time Briana and the baby were mentioned in an interview, not sure if he was succeeding or not.  
_  
**_*Flashback ends*  
  
_ **

"I don't really know anything yet... Briana wants to have full custody and only lets me see him like once a week for a few hours. But that's not what I want, Harry..." Louis sounded defeated. "I mean, Freddie is my son after all, I have every right to be with him as much as she has! I love him so much and I don't know what I would do if she took him away from me... He is the only thing that kinda gets me through my days right now."  
  
Harry didn't know what to do. He saw that Louis loved Freddie, there was no doubt. But he also saw that Louis would have to make some changes as soon as possible, otherwise the stress would eat him alive.  
  
"I'm so sorry that she's doing that right now. First going public with that story and claiming you're the dad and then trying to take him away from you. That's not fair at all..." Harry didn't even want to think about how hard it would be if he would be in Louis situation instead. He didn't think he could handle it at all. Louis was always the stronger one in situations like that.  
  
He looked at Louis, searching his eyes, which looked rather helpless and sad. Harry always was the one Louis talked to when he had something on his mind. He supposed that was the reason why Louis came to him in the first place. Somehow he must have unconsciously known that Harry would listen, no matter what situation both of them were in right now.  
  
"Yeah... I just hope that the judge will see that, too." Louis seemed close to giving up.  
  
"But Louis... I can see that you're not far away from falling apart. Like, I don't know... that's not the only thing making your life hard right now, isn't it?" Harry asked carefully.  
  
"What do you mean? Isn't that hard enough?"  
  
"Yes of course it is hard, that's not what I meant. But like. If everything else in your life would be good right now, the custody battle wouldn't have the power to bring you down like that. You should have someone to support you and be there for you."  
  
"Well yes, of course the people in my life support me. My mum is calling like every day to hear how it's going." Louis defended himself.  
  
"I know that Jay would never leave you alone in times like this. But calling is not the same as being physically there. What about Danielle?"  
  
"Yeah I know but I can hardly fly her in just to be there for me. She has got a family to take care of... and Danielle... she is currently filming for the next season. We skype as often as we can though."  
  
Harry could hear from Louis tone that he wasn't as happy as he could be. And that Louis knew that as well.  
  
"Yeah right. So no one really is there for you at the moment." Harry summed up.  
  
"If you look at it that way..." Louis eyes were trailed downwards.  
  
"Well... I still don't know why you came here or what you want from me. But I want you to know... that like... I'm always there for you, you know? You can talk to me. And I'm gonna listen." Harry promised.  
  
"Harry... that's not fair to you. I want to make things right between us. I was such an asshole the last few years... You deserve so much better."  
  
"Yeah I know." Harry smirked. "But no, honestly. If you really want to talk about what happened, we can do that. But first you have to get your life together again. Then we can talk. Let me be there for you right now, okay? I still care for you, you know..."  
  
"I don't know how I deserve someone like you" Louis wondered.  
  
"You don't." Harry simply said. "But if you really want to, you can work up to it again. Don't mess it up."  
  
"I won't." Louis promised. "Thank you so much Harry. You don't know how much that means to me."  
  
Harry was a little caught off guard as a tear escaped those pretty blue eyes. He didn't know what got Louis in that emotional state but he knew that he could make it better. They always knew how to make each other better.  
  
"Can I hug you?" he asked hesitantly, not knowing whether it was the right thing to do or if it would do his sanity any good, but simply needing to be close to Louis right now.  
  
Louis didn't answer, just stared at Harry with tears in his eyes. But somehow, after a minute or so, he seemed to have made up his mind, as he just about jumped to straddle Harry's lap, closed his arms around him and buried his face into his neck.  
  
Harry, not expecting such an intimate hug, was a little precautious to reciprocate, but as he realized that Louis would not let up any time soon, he relaxed and put his arms around Louis as well. He softly stroked Louis back with one hand, the other tracing upwards to grasp the back of his head and stroke his hair, like he had always done.  
  
That little memory of how they used to be seemed to be too much for Louis, as he started full-on sobbing in Harry's arms. Harry just held him closer and whispered phrases like "I've got you, Lou" and "It's going to be all right" into the side of his hair. His heart ached with being so close to Louis but not being able to kiss him to make it better. That always made it better.

  
_***Flashback January 2012***  
_  
_The boys were in the middle of their UAN Tour and currently in London. They were more than exhausted as the usual high they normally got after a concert had ebbed down, so instead of going out to party, they just went home. Well, home meaning their flat-complex where they all lived near each other. Harry and Louis shared one flat, both not wanting to live alone and also maybe because they have been boyfriends since November 2010.  
_  
_Harry closed the door after they entered their flat and followed Louis to the couch. As soon as Harry sat down, Louis grabbed his arm, laid it over his shoulders and cuddled close so that his face was leaned into Harry's neck. Harry grabbed the remote and turned on the TV.  
_  
_"What do you want to watch, Lou?"  
_  
_"Hmm... I don't care. I don't think I'm gonna be awake for much longer."  
_  
_"That's alright." Harry decided on a late night cooking show. "Let's lay down so you can sleep on me, okay?"  
_  
_"You know me so well, Hazza!" Louis grinned.  
_  
_Harry moved himself onto his back, right hand lazily stroking through Louis hair, who was tucked half on top of him on his right side, nestled between Harry and the back of the couch._  
_After a few minutes Harry stopped watching the TV show and just looked at the sleeping boy in his arms. He let his gaze fall on Louis' long eyelashes and his cute little nose which was half buried into Harry's shirt. He took Louis' hand, which was laid on top of his chest, into his bigger one and laid both of them over his heart, nosing Louis' hair and inhaling his scent. Sometimes he couldn't wrap his head around the fact that Louis was just as much in love with him as he was in love with Louis. How could he be so lucky? He decided to turn off the TV and made himself comfortable to be able to sleep.  
_  
_When Harry woke up, he noticed two things. First, his right shoulder was numb from the weight of Louis' head, and second, there was a hand on his groin. Well, fortunately it was Louis' hand, otherwise that would have made things a little awkward.  
_  
_"Ohh god, Lou..." He breathed out.  
_  
_"Good morning, love!" Louis grinned and continued lazily stroking Harry's half hard cock through his pants.  
_  
_"A good morning indeed." Harry agreed and let his head fall back onto the cushion, closing his eyes while he let out a quiet moan.  
_  
_Louis let go of Harry's cock and Harry was just about to complain, when Louis started to open Harry's trousers. He pulled them down together with his boxers so that Harry was naked from the waist down. Not wanting to waste any more time, Harry ripped off his shirt and then grabbed the hem of Louis' to hastily pull it over Louis' head.  
_  
_"Gettin' impatient there, Harold?" Louis teased, but he was quick to push down his own jeans and boxers nonetheless.  
_  
_"Yes, I... I need you..." Harry pulled Louis on top of him as soon as they were both naked. "Louuuu."  
_  
_"Fuck..." Louis cursed. "Harry you have no idea what you do to me...".  
_  
_Harry looked into Louis' blue eyes, stilling for a moment. "I think I might have an idea...".  
  
And with that Harry closed the distance between them and pressed his lips carefully against Louis', who was quick to deepen the kiss, letting his tongue glide over Harry's lower lip to demand entrance, which Harry gladly granted him. Both of them let out strangled moans as their tongues met and Harry brought one of his arms up, cupping Louis' head with his hand, the other arm went down to bring Louis' closer as he grabbed him around his waist. Louis pushed his hips down so that both of their cocks grinded against each other. They were both fully hard now and the tips glistening with precome, ready to take things further.  
_  
_Harry grabbed Louis' butt with both hands and pressed down harder to have him as close as possible.  
_  
_"Oh god, Haz", Louis moaned, separating his lips from Harry's to press wet, biting kisses along his jaw line and down his neck._  
_Harry tilted his head to the side to give him more access, loving the feeling of Louis' hot breath and teeth against his neck.  
_  
_"Babe, we need supplies", Harry said as Louis pressed kisses onto his collarbones.  
_  
_"No, we don't" Louis countered.  
_  
_"Wh- what? How?" Harry couldn't wrap his head around what Louis meant with that, already too wound up. But only a second later, as he let his hands wander to Louis butt again, he realized what Louis meant. As he tentatively brushed his pointer finger between Louis' cheeks, it came back wet.  
_  
_"What?... When did... How?" Harry stammered as he looked at Louis with wonder in his eyes.  
  
"Did you already prep yourself?"  
_  
_Instead of answering, Louis grabbed Harry's cock from underneath him and lined it up with his hole. Before Harry could say anything else, Louis was sat down on his lap with Harry's cock intruding him.  
_  
_"Ooohh my goood, Louiiis." A hot feeling spilled through Harry, starting from his groin.  
_  
_Louis let out a long drawn moan himself and started to work his hips up and down, leaning his hands on Harry's chest. Harry grabbed Louis' hips and helped him find the perfect rhythm for both of them.  
_  
_After a few minutes, Harry could tell that Louis was getting tired, so he held him by the waist and turned them over, so that a slightly startled Louis was on his back with Harry between his legs, without slipping out. Kissing wetly over Louis neck and collarbones, Harry picked up the pace again.  
_  
_Louis' moans were getting louder and Harry felt himself start to get close too. He grabbed Louis' legs and laid them over his shoulders, folding Louis nearly in half. But it seemed to do the trick, since Louis let out a desperate "Oh god, Harry... right there!"  
_  
_Harry was not one to let Louis hanging, so he made sure to hit that spot one every stroke.  
_  
_"Yeah, please! Oh god... Don't stop!"  
_  
_"I love you." Harry whispered into Louis' ear.  
  
And that seemed to have done the trick, Louis let out a long and high pitched moan and clenched around Harry's cock, spilling onto his stomach and chest.  
_  
_With Louis falling apart beneath him, Harry allowed himself to let go too, grunting and pounding into Louis a few more times to ride out his orgasm.  
_  
_He collapsed onto Louis chest, who immediately wrapped his arms around Harry's back and held him close.  
_  
_"You're the best." Louis said. "I love you so much."  
_  
_"You too" were the only words that Harry could form in his blissful state.  
_  
**_*Flashback ends*_ **

  
Harry woke up with an ache in both his back and his neck. Eyes still closed, he clicked his neck a few times until he realized something else. Or rather someone else. There was someone on his lap. No wonder why Harry woke up feeling oddly hot for being only in his pants.  
  
Slowly, the memories from earlier came back into his mind. Louis. Beautiful Louis who cried in his arms. Apparently they fell asleep. Harry also noticed, that the sun was about to set, so he looked at the clock, which showed that it was just after 9pm. So they slept for almost three hours.  
  
Louis still seemed to be very much out of it, his head laying on Harry's chest, his legs on each side of his hips. Harry decided not to wake him just yet, so he closed his arms around him and softly caressed Louis back. He thought about their conversation and how Louis seemed so exhausted and emotionally drained. His heart ached for that precious boy that somehow was no longer his anymore.  
  
Because his back still ached pretty badly, he carefully shifted into a lying position, taking Louis down with him. He propped his head up on a cushion, straightened his and Louis' legs, so that Louis was lying comfortably on top of him. Louis stirred a little bit, but did not wake up. Christ. He apparently didn't get much sleep during the past few nights.  
  
When Harry woke up the second time, it was still dark outside. A brief glance at his phone, which was next to him on the coffee table, told him that it was just a little to five in the morning. With realizing that he had been lying on his couch instead of his bed, he also realized that Louis wasn't there anymore. Harry hoped that he was just in another room and not gone completely.  
  
He stood up to make his way to the kitchen, when he recognized Louis sitting outside on the steps of his patio. So he walked over there and quietly opened the door, trying not to startle Louis.  
  
"Hey".  
  
"Hi." Louis casted a quick glance his way but otherwise said nothing and carried on staring at Harry's garden.  
  
"Everything alright?" Harry asked as he sat down next to Louis.  
  
"Yeah." Louis' seemed to be elsewhere in his thoughts.  
  
Deciding to just let him continue his thoughts a little bit longer, Harry just quietly sat there next to him, his presence letting Louis know that he was there for him. He tried to not think about anything, just being in the moment.  
  
A weight on his shoulder startled him out of his trance. Harry looked to his left and saw that Louis had laid his head on his shoulder, with his eyes closed. Harry put his left arm around Louis' waist and laid his head on top of Louis' hair.  
  
"I'm sorry I fell asleep on you." Louis murmured.  
  
"It's alright" Harry answered.  
  
Because 'Oh no it's alright, I loved having you near me again, all sleepy and cuddly' seemed not the right thing to say at that point, he opted for adding "You seemed very tired, so I didn't want to wake you."  
  
"Thank you. I think I needed that."  
  
Harry squeezed Louis waist and stood up to walk into the house. When he saw, that it was now too late to go back to sleep again, he made his way to the kitchen to get started on breakfast. After barely five minutes, Louis walked in as well.  
  
"Well... I think I'm going home now. Thank you again, Harry... for everything."  
  
"Oh no, wait just a few minutes, I'm nearly done with breakfast", Harry didn't really want Louis to leave just yet.  
  
"No really, Harry. I have to get back." Louis assured him.  
  
"Okay, if you think so... But you know that you are always welcome here, right?"  
  
"Yeah, you made that pretty clear yesterday" Louis smiled. "Even if I still don't know how I deserved that. But I really have to go now."  
  
He seemed unsure how to say goodbye, so Harry took him out of his misery as he opened his arms for a hug.  
  
Louis tentatively stepped into Harry's embrace and put his own arms around Harry's back.

After a few seconds, Harry stepped back to not let it become awkward and smiled when he said "Bye, Lou."  
  
"Bye, Harry."  
  
And with that Louis turned his back and walked down the driveway to where he parked his car.


	2. Drunken mistakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys :)
> 
> Thank you so much for your positive feedback!
> 
> Here is the second chapter, this time it's Louis POV. 
> 
> I hope you like it!

It was the beginning of October and Louis was so done with everything that was his life at the moment. The last time he saw his son was a month ago and only for a few hours. Fuck Brianna and her stupid lawyers. Louis felt that no matter what situation, he always was the bad guy. It was his fault for getting that girl pregnant, it was his fault for being famous and in a boyband, it was his fault that that band was on a so called hiatus right now and it was his fault that he couldn't even see his own child because apparently he is only good for the money. Yeah, fuck that.

It wasn't supposed to be like that. After he and Eleanor broke up, he just wanted to feel desired again. To have somebody want him and not only fight over every stupid little thing that they could think about. It was as if the only thing they could do the last couple months of their relationship was looking miserable at red carpet events and throwing mean things at each other verbally. Louis didn't know why, they were in a good place for a long time and at the beginning he really loved her. But as it seemed, they weren't meant for each other in the end. And it was okay, Louis was okay with the break up for the most part. He knew that it was only for the best and that he would be better after a while.

He called up Stan and Oli and went out with them again. They were so happy to see him going out and about instead of sulking in his own four walls, so Louis supposed he could be convinced to go out once in a while again. They were hitting the clubs every weekend when he was free and he didn't fail to get the girls attention every time.

That was also how he met Brianna. She was pretty and willing and not too clingy, so he invited her up to his hotel room. Not just once. He figured that it was the easiest to get laid that way. He trusted her enough to not have her running to the paps and she was decent enough in bed, too.

But then it happened. It was the fourth time that they were together and Louis was really horny, so with only one hand available, he opened the condom packet with his teeth. Fatal mistake. After the condom broke, Brianna had assured him that she was on the pill though, so he didn't think too much about it again.

He was on tour with the boys when he got the call. It was simply the most scariest moment in his entire life. Even just seeing Brianna's number on his display after they hadn't spoken in more than a month, let his heart beat slightly faster. But after hearing her say "We fucked up, Louis. I'm pregnant", it was as if he lost his hearing and eyesight at the same time. There was only white and black dots in front of his eyes and a faint ringing noise in his ears. He doesn't even really remember too much about that moment, apparently Alberto found him sitting against a wall inside the backstage part of the arena, face white as a ghost and only breathing shallowly.

The second scariest moment was telling the boys. He tried to procrastinate as long as he could, but after a few days he could tell that the boys realized there was something up with him. So after the show in San Diego, he took all the courage he could come up with and told them. As he expected, they weren't thrilled, but they also didn't judge him. All but one. Harry.

If somebody didn't know Harry that well, they wouldn't have seen the change of demeanor in his face. But Louis happened to know Harry and his body language pretty well. And because of that he also caught the way his face fell the moment he realized what Louis had said, if only slightly. But Louis knew that Harry would never show his emotions in front of him anymore if he could avoid it.

And with Harry running away not five seconds later, Louis knew that Harry was not okay. He got up to run after him, but Zayn caught his arm and told him not to. Right. It was not his place anymore to know what was going on with Harry.

He made sure of that three years ago.

 

**_*Flashback November 2012*_ **

_"Whatever, Tomlinson. We don't care. Just tone it down, can't be that hard now, can it? Otherwise we have to set you up with a girlfriend."_

_It wasn't the first time Louis heard those words from management. It wasn't the second time either. He had to sit through a lot of meetings like that during the last year. Ever since his "always in my heart" tweet he wrote to Harry at their one year anniversary._

_He remembers that day like it was yesterday. They were at home in their shared flat, having spent the most amazing day together, starting with a homemade breakfast that Harry prepared for them, followed by watching Love Actually, all cuddled up in bed, lots of mind-blowing sex and for dinner they secretly went out to their favorite restaurant. Louis knew he wanted to spent the rest of his life with that beautiful boy. And as he laid in their bed that night, Harry snuggled into his side, he just had to share his burst of feelings that came over him. Little did he know, that those words he wrote with all of his heart that day, were the beginning of the hardest test their relationship would have to survive._

_That said, he was so done with management telling them what to do and how to behave. They were in love, for god's sake, how were they supposed to act as if they didn't care about each other? Louis already dreaded telling Harry about it. He had started to go to these kind of meetings alone because he didn't want Harry to deal with managements bullshit. Harry always took everything to heart and Louis loved that about him, but in that case it was best to at least hear it from Louis than from somebody that didn't care about them at all._

_He wasn't even completely inside his flat yet (yes, **his** flat, not their flat anymore, as management already took that away from them), when he heard Harry shouting from the living room "How did it go, babe? What did they want?"_

_"Let me come in first, love." Louis shouted back._

_"But I wanna knooow..." Louis heard Harry walking across the living room towards the entrance._

_"What did you make for dinner? Smells delicious." Louis tried to change the topic._

_"Nope, I'm not gonna fall for that, Lou." Louis saw Harry coming his way, looking at Louis expectantly and slightly apprehensive._

_"Alright, but let's sit down first, alright? My legs are dead."_

_"Lou? What's going on? Why are you holding back? I thought the meeting was only to talk about your writing parts for the next album?"_

_And yeah. Louis might have lied a little bit there to not upset Harry before something even happened. Louis didn't say anything for now, just motioned for Harry to go into the living room and sit down on the couch._

_"Come on, Lou! You're scaring me. What is it?"_

_"The meeting wasn't about what I told you..." Louis decided that now was as good as it will get to tell the truth._

_"What? What do you mean? What was it about?" Harry still looked so trustful. Damn. That wasn't going to be easy._

_"It was about you and me."_

_Louis recognized the exact moment Harry seemed to realize what the meaning is about - his eyes went wide and his mouth fell almost comically._

_"You and me?" Harry asked silently. "What do they want from us?"_

_"We have to cut it down apparently, otherwise they are going to put us with girlfriends or something like that." He actually didn't plan on telling him that straight forward, but he has never been able to lie to Harry when he was looking at him with wide, open eyes, like a lost puppy, really._

_"You're kidding, right? Lou? Tell me you're kidding. Please."_

_"I'm not."_

_There were many emotions showing on Harry's beautiful face, Louis had to watch his expression change from surprised, to incredulous, to disappointed and finally he seemed almost infuriatingly angry._

_"They can't do that." Harry's irises were almost dark green and yeah. That was his angry face, which Louis didn't get to see that often, thankfully._

_"I'm afraid they can, Haz. But don't worry, we won't let it come that far. We just have to be a little more careful of our interactions, we can do it."_

_Louis reached for Harry's hand to calm him down. But he didn't get very close before Harry slapped his hand away and stood up. Louis didn't know what was wrong, he had never seen Harry quite that furious about anything._

_"Don't touch me, Lou. Best to start practicing right here, right? So that we know how it would be to ignore each other."_

_Wow. Okay... He must have hit a nerve there. It was not like Harry at all to yell at Louis like that._

_"Babe, come on. You know I don't want it that way, either."_

_"Yeah, because you really show me how you're fighting for us, Lou. Grow some fucking balls!"_

_And with that Harry turned on his heels and walked out of the living room. Louis tried following him after he got over the initial shock, but Harry was already slamming the front door shut._

_~~~  
_

_That was the first of their many arguments about that issue over the next few weeks. Louis knew Harry wanted him to fight for them, but Louis just didn't know how._

_He knew that if it was Harry's decision alone, they would already be out and proud. But Louis wasn't ready for that. Didn't know when he really would be ready at all. He wasn't even really gay or bisexual or whatever, Harry was the only boy that he ever had thought about in any other way than strictly platonic._

_In the end, Louis thought it was best to take the burden on himself and agree to get a fake girlfriend. Eleanor seemed nice enough and it would take the heat off Harry and him._

_Oh boy, was he wrong._

_With every date he and Eleanor had to go on, Harry and him grew more apart. Harry hated Eleanor for being able to hold hands with Louis and everything that came with her being Louis' girlfriend for the public eye._

_Harry and Louis argued. A lot. Both were frustrated with their situation and they took it out on each other._

_In the end, Louis saw it coming. But he still hadn't grown a pair of balls, so it was that when Harry gave him the ultimatum to either be with him and come out or break up with him and maintain his straight-guy image, Louis took the easy way out._

_In his head, he told himself, that it was for the best. Harry deserved to be with someone that could give him everything. Louis just wasn't there yet._

_He also told himself that every night for the next months when he fell asleep crying and alone in his bed, clutching a pillow to his front instead of Harry's warm, solid body._

_He also told himself that when he saw Harry looking at him with so much hurt and disappointment in his eyes, that he almost broke._

_He also told himself that the first time he kissed Eleanor in front of the paps._

_And he also told himself that the first time he kissed Eleanor when they were alone in his hotel room._

_And he started to believe it._

**_*Flashback ends*_ **

Now almost four years and another break up later, Louis was in his house in London, alone and far from happy, even though he had a new girlfriend that he liked very much. But it wasn't enough. He had nobody that just knew him the way Harry always did, still did apparently, if Louis thought about that day a few months ago where he was somehow out of his mind and went to go see Harry.

But Louis had to stop thinking about him. Harry had worked so hard to get his life on track again, Louis knew that, and he was happy now, everyone could see that. There was no place for Louis anymore and that was for the best, because Louis had the tendency to screw things up.

He decided to call Stan and asked him to head to a pub or something like that, just to get his head free. Stan, being the most amazing friend he always was, didn't even need a lot of persuasion before he agreed to go with him.

So that's how they found themselves in Kensington not an hour later. It was almost ten, so the pub they were in was just starting to fill. Louis liked going to that pub because it was in a way some kind of insider tip, where not too many tourists decided to come.

Two hours later and Louis was on his best way to be completely wasted. He didn't plan on it, honestly. But Stan asked questions. Questions Louis didn't want to hear and couldn't answer. So he drank pint after pint to forget about it.

There was a rumble going through the pub. Louis didn't know why, but he didn't really care as long as everyone left him alone. Stan was chatting to some blonde girl he met, so it was just Louis and his sorrows.

But as the chatter seemed to get louder, Louis turned to see what caused the disturbance. It seems as some rich snobs just walked in, as they were all dressed in fancy suits and ties. But as soon as he got a good look at those men, his mouth fell open and he felt his heart hit the floor. Literally.

Because one of those men was no other than Harry Styles. _Jesus_. Louis almost forgot about his short hair, which was styled into his signature quiff and showed almost no sign of those beautiful curls that used to be there instead. He was wearing a simple, tight fitted black suit over a white button down, that wasn't really buttoned all the way. On his chest was his cross-necklace, but it was almost fully covered by a black scarf/tie sort of thing. And - wait. Was that black nail polish? Christ. He was beautiful.

Louis didn't know what to do with himself. He couldn't really get himself to rip his gaze off of Harry, who hadn't even seen him yet. Well, thank god. So Louis shakily made his way to the men's restroom, finally able to turn his head the other way. Inside the toilet, he had to grip the sink with both hands to stay grounded. He splashed cold water onto his face, hoping it would help him to cool down and sober up a bit. Just as he was turning the faucet off, the door behind him opened. Louis looked into the mirror to see who was coming in, but as soon as he looked into those green eyes, he wished to not have done that.

"Louis?!" Harry seemed equally shocked to see him here, so at least he was not alone.

"Harreeeeh!!" Louis slurred as he turned around - and yeah. He was still drunk. Fucking shit.

"Whoa, Lou. Are you okay?" Of course. Harry the saint, always trying to look out for everyone.

"Yeeeaah. Splendid. Fucking amaaazing, I am." Louis said, quickly holding onto the sink behind him again.

"I can see that. What are you doing here? Who are you with?"

"Always sooo full of questions... What are youuu doing here? Why are you dressed like some rich snob?" Ha. Two can play that game.

Harry grinned. Oh - there was the dimple. Louis reached out to poke it, but it seemed that gravity decided to play against him, so as soon as he let go of the sink, he tripped and fell forwards.

Well - he would have fell, if it wasn't for two strong hands holding onto his arms and holding him upright.

"Easy there, boozehound."

Louis face was squished into Harry's chest, he could see one of the swallows right in front of his eyes. Without thinking, he wrapped his arms around Harry's waist, holding onto him tightly. Who knew when he would be allowed to be so close to him again.

Harry stiffened slightly for a short moment, but relaxed after only a few seconds, hands letting go of his arms to wrap his own arms around Louis' shoulders.

"You okay there?" Harry asked after half a minute or so.

"Yeah." Louis said, but didn't have it in him to pull away just yet. He turned his face a little bit more into Harry's chest, his scent pulling him in and almost making him dizzy.

Harry didn't seem to mind the embrace, or maybe he was just too nice to push him away, but Louis didn't care. He had to take what he was able to get.

When he felt Harry's grip loosen, he stepped out of their embrace, head still hanging down. He was just about to walk away, not able to face a serious conversation right now, when he felt Harry's finger under his chin, lifting his face up. He saw Harry study his face, but quickly looked away again.

"Hey. Can you tell me who you're here with now? I can't let you go if you're on your own right now."

"Stan. Why won't you leave m'alone? Don't you have your suit-army to get back to?"

"Why are you so offending? You don't even know who they are. But I'm not really here with them. We just came together because we were on the same party before. Now, come on, let's find Stan."

Louis was too out of it to really be able to react to Harry's word, just let himself be dragged out of the toilets. When they were at the seats Louis and Stan were sitting before, there was no sign of Stan anymore. Well fuck that. Seems like at least one of them got lucky tonight.

"Stan's not heeere, Harry. See? Such a gooood friend. 't least he got himself a beautiful laaaady for t'night."

"Why would he leave you just like that?" Harry looked at him with his eyebrows scrunched in a questioning, sympathetic way.

"Well, see, Haaarold. There is that thing, and it's called sex, and it seeeems to be quite a bit more important than some saaad, frustrated and drunk friend." Louis empathized his words with a finger poking into Harry's naked and firm chest.

"That's not a good enough reason." Harry stated.

"Can't change it now, can I? I think I should go now. Bye Harreeeh!"

Louis was about to turn away to try and stumble out of the pub when Harry held him back.

"What do you think you're doing? How do you think you get back home?"

"My car is - " Shit. Stan had been driving them there.

"Never mind. I'm walking. My feet are just fine." Louis' sass always got the best of him when he was intoxicated.

"You live too far away, Lou, it would take you ages to get there, even without being drunk. Don't be stupid."

"So what then? Should I just sleep here?"

"No, I'm taking you home. My car is outside, and I didn't have too much to drink yet."

"Phff... Where did you even come from? And I don't need your help." Louis was determined not to let Harry see him miserable again.

"Lou, come on. I'm bringing you home. Don't make this hard."

Harry already had a grip on his arm and Louis was too weak for his struggles to have any impact. So he reluctantly let himself be dragged out of the bar and towards Harry's black Audi. Harry opened the passenger door for him and buckled him up.

It seems that he had fallen asleep as soon as Harry started the car, because the next thing he registered was that they were in front of his house and Harry was already opening the passenger door.

"Hey, sleepy head. Come on, you almost  made it. We just need to get you inside and then you can sleep for as long as you want. Alright?"

Louis almost wanted to cry at the genuineness of Harry's words. He didn't deserve it, not after last time, when he promised Harry to make it up to him and then didn't contact him again because he got scared. He was a shit friend.

But Harry was not, so he helped Louis out of the car and towards his front door. It seems that the drinks Louis had really just started to have an impact, so Louis was pretty much wasted right now. He let himself be dragged by Harry who had him by the waist, holding one of Louis' arms over his shoulders.

"Where are your keys?"

Louis just pointed to the right front pocket of his jeans. Harry seemed to get the memo and let go of Louis' arm to rummage around the pocket to find them. If Louis wasn't so out of it, he was sure he would have gotten a little bit hot from that, but tanked as he was, he didn't even really feel anything.

Harry seemed to have found the keys and managed to open the door, hoisting Louis up and dragging both of them into the house, the door falling shut behind them. The last thing Louis remembered was that his stomach didn't feel good and that he told Harry that. Then everything went black.

When he woke up again, he felt like utter shit. His head pounded annoyingly, his mouth tasted horribly stale, his limbs didn't seem to want to cooperate with his brain and his stomach felt a little queasy. Normally he would have thrown up by now, as that was his normal routine after a hard night out, but he didn't feel the need to right now.

He looked around him and apparently he made it into his own bed. Well that's new. Normally he wouldn't have made the effort to go upstairs and just slept on the sofa. Another thing that wasn't normal, was that he had only his pair of boxers on. Huh.

While Louis tried to remember what happened last night, he registered a glass of water with two pills right next to it on his night stand. And okay. He definitely couldn't have put them there himself. Just as his brain vaguely seemed to recollect somebody being there at some point that night, he heard a crash from downstairs followed by a muffled "shit". So the person responsible for the state he found himself waking up in was still here.

Louis felt a little bit more confident in his brain-to-limb-connection, so he shakily stood up from his bed. He searched for his shirt from last night, but didn't find any of the clothes. So he opened one of his dressers to pull out a fresh black shirt and pulled it on to at least cover his upper body. He was too tired to put on any pants.

Halfway down the stairs he heard gentle music from the direction of his kitchen, so he followed the sound. If he would have been more awake or if his mind would have been in the right stage, he would have known that Stan wouldn't be in the kitchen and wouldn't have turned the music on. But he didn't even think about it.

He walked into his kitchen only to stop right in his tracks. Because nobody could have prepared him for the sight that awaited him there.

There was a Harry in his kitchen. A naked Harry. Well - almost. There was only a tiny little pair of boxers to cover the most important bits, but other than that Louis was greeted with his naked skin. A Harry that seemed to cook breakfast, if the smell of eggs and bacon was anything to go by. A Harry that danced lightly to the music that seemed to come from his phone on the counter. A Harry that hadn't noticed Louis. Yet. Because of course Louis knocked into a chair because he was too distracted from the sight in front of him.

Harry flinched and spun around, mouth hanging open and eyes wide.

As soon as Louis looked into those eyes, it all suddenly became clear and the memories from last night flooded back into his brain. Toilets. Harry. Harry's naked chest. Stan not there. Harry driving him home. But the memories stopped there. What the hell happened last night?

"What the hell happened last night?"

Okay. Maybe Louis should have worded that better, because Harry looked taken aback and almost a little sad.

"I - uh, you were... and I had to..." Harry stammered.

"No, yeah I know that part, Harry. But I don't know what happened after you brought me home and why you are still here."

Shit. Louis sure knew how to sound like an asshole.

"I really -.... I don't mind that you're here, Harry. But you get that this isn't normal, right? So why?"

Louis tried to reach out for Harry, but he jerked away and turned around to face the stove again. He aimlessly stirred the eggs around while he started to talk.

"Firstly, you puked all over yourself one second after we were inside, Lou."

_Oops._

"And then you passed out."

_Shit._

"After making sure you were still alive, I carried you to your bedroom, stripped your clothes off and made sure you're on your side so that you wouldn't choke in case you had to vomit again. Then I cleaned up the mess downstairs and put your clothes in the washing machine and got you some pain killers with a glass of water for when you woke up"

 _Oh_. That answered a lot of Louis' questions from earlier.

"And then I slept on the couch because I was too tired to drive home and I couldn't really get myself to leave you alone in your condition."

Louis didn't really know what to say. He just stood there with his mouth hanging open and stared at Harry.

"I'm sorry if you hoped someone else would have taken care of you, and as you seem okay now and clearly don't need me anymore, I'm just going to go. Breakfast is ready. Your favorite."

And with that Harry was out the door before Louis was even able to as much as blink. Oh god. Louis really managed to fuck that up. There were tears in Harry's eyes at the end and Louis was just frozen. Unable to move, unable to say anything. Some kind of out-of-body experience, really.

The first thing he did when he finally managed to move his body, was falling to the floor, dragging his knees up and letting his tears run.


	3. Dreadful news

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!
> 
> Sorry it took a bit longer... But with everything that has happened, I didn't really know how to continue...  
> I wasn't sure if I wanted to bring Jay's death into my story, but I didn't want to ignore it either.  
> So I hope I did find a way to honor her the way she deserved.  
> I'm probably not gonna write about her death, more about what happened before and after.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this chapter!

Harry somehow managed to hold back the tears until he was in his car. When he ran away from Louis, he only stopped to pull on his trousers, everything else he just grabbed into his arms and got the hell out of there. Now, sitting alone in his car, he leaned his arms on the steering wheel, cradled his head on his hands and started sobbing. How could he have been so stupid? Why did he still have that tiny little bit of hope that Louis would be able to change? Wasn't last time enough?

He should have known better. Louis had been more than wasted yesterday, which was the only reason he even talked to Harry and let him take care of him. But Harry had always been an optimist. And he did have a really great evening before. He had been at the launch of the Another Man Magazine that featured him, photos which were supposed to be the first small step towards his coming out. He had felt so free and accepted, even Gemma had showed up. He should have gone home with her. Or anywhere else, really.

But no, he agreed to join Alister Mackie and a few others to that pub that everyone said would be phenomenally discreet and safe for celebrities. Well, at least that was true. Harry didn't think he could deal with some headlines of Louis and him on top of everything.

When he had managed to hold the tears back for over a minute, he collected himself, breathed deeply and then started the engine.

 

~~~

 

It was two days later when Harry heard from Louis again.

He was in his studio, writing some bits and pieces for some new songs that had been in his mind for a while. He was so immersed in his music, that he didn't even hear the phone ring the first few seconds, and therefore didn't look at the caller's ID before hurrying to accept the call.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Harry."

 _Oh_. He didn't expect to hear that all too familiar, high pitched voice.

"Louis, hey."

He didn't know what else to say. He was running out of ideas how to handle Louis without driving him away again, so he decided to just let Louis decide for him.

"What are you up to?" Louis asked then, but he somehow didn't really sound like himself.

"Nothing much. Just in the studio, writing a little bit. What about you?"

"Oh, I'm sorry. Didn't mean to disturb you. Just tell me if you want to get back to writing. I don't want to bother you."

Okay. There is definitely something going on and Harry wasn't going to let Louis get away that easily again.

"No, you're not bothering me, Louis, _never_. What's going on? Are you alright?"

"Yeah. Um... no actually. But I can't do this over the phone."

"What- Louis? Is everyone ok? What happened?" Harry started to panic.

"No, yeah, everyone is alright. For now. But - I just. Can I talk to you please? I just need someone to talk to right now."

Louis sounded so anxious and Harry didn't like it one bit.

"Of course Louis. Anytime. Where are you? I can come to wherever you are."

"I'm at my house. But I don't want to be here right now. Can I come to yours?"

"No problem. I'm home. Drive safe, see you in a bit."

"Alright. Thanks, Haz."

~~~

When Harry opened the door, he wasn't prepared for a tired and pretty battered looking Louis, who was wearing big sweatpants and an oversized hoodie, a beanie over his hair and the hood pulled on top of that. He had dark circles under his eyes and his whole posture was slumped.

Harry didn't even say a word, just grabbed Louis arm and dragged him inside, closing the door and then pulling him into a tight hug. He felt Louis literally collapse into him, so he just held on even tighter.

He somehow managed to maneuver them onto his couch and he sat down with Louis next to him, one arm still holding on tightly. Louis was hiding his face in Harry's neck and had one fist grabbing at the front of Harry's shirt. They sat there, holding onto each other, for what felt like an hour, but probably was about five minutes.

Lifting his head and looking at Harry, Louis was the first to speak up.

"Hi."

Harry's heart broke at the sight of Louis' dull blue eyes, that had no sparkle in them anymore.

"Hey."

He brought one hand up to Louis' face and cupped his cheek, his thumb stroking over his cheekbone.

"Can you tell me what's going on? If you want?"

Louis seemed to consider it for a moment, before he took a deep breath, wringing himself out of Harry's hold and pulling his knees up to rest his chin on top of them, facing Harry.

"My mum is going to die."

And - what?

Harry felt as he had been hit by a train. That couldn't be true.

"What- Jay? I'm... How? Is she sick?"

Harry already felt tears prickle in his eyes. And no. He wasn't going to make that about him. It was _Louis'_ mum, they were talking about, for god's sake.

"She was diagnosed with a severe form of Leukemia... earlier this year."

Louis mumbled into his knees and pulled them tighter to his chest.

"Oh my god, Lou. I'm so, so sorry. How is she right now? How long -..." Harry couldn't bring himself to finish that question, the thought alone sending shivers down his spine.

"She's okay at the moment considering the circumstances but she has had ups and downs for the last few months. The doctors said about half a year. It's been five months now..."

"That means-" Harry couldn't wrap his head around it.

"Yeah. She hasn't got much time left, Harry... And I just. I don't know what I'm gonna do without her, she's my best friend, and oh god the girls. And Doris and Ernest... they are too young to not have a mum anymore."

Louis started to cry then. Harry put his hands on top of Louis' and held on to them, sensing that Louis wouldn't be able to handle a hug right now.

" _You_ are too young to lose your mum, too. I'm so sorry. That's not fucking fair. She has so much love inside of her..."

Harry felt his heart constricting painfully, he didn't want to even think about how hard this had to be for Louis, knowing that his mum was his best friend and he loved her more than anything.

"I can't lose her, Haz. I can't..." Louis cried, looking at Harry with tears running down his cheeks and crushing Harry's hands with his own.

"Shh, calm down, Lou... You're not alone. You've got your sisters, and Dan, and the four of us, too. You know you can always count on the boys. And I won't let you go through this alone, alright? You're strong. So strong. Jay always says that about you, and she's right. You can do this. Be strong for her."

Harry made sure to look into Louis' eyes as he said that to empathize his belief in him.

When Louis met his gaze, Harry couldn't hold himself back anymore and had to bring Louis into a hug. So he pulled Louis towards him by his hands and let them go to bring his arms around Louis back, turning around and opening his legs to welcome Louis' body. Louis seemed tense, but didn't shy away from him, so Harry gently took one of Louis' arms and brought them around his own back, and then did the same with the other arm, so that their upper bodies were aligned and Louis' head was squished to his chest.

"I'm always here for you, Lou."

Harry felt the tiny shudders that came from Louis body, and he knew that Louis was trying to hold it all in.

"Let it out, Lou. It's alright."

Harry held Louis' head with one of his hands, discarding the beanie and softly stroking through his hair, the other one holding tightly onto his back. Slowly, he felt Louis body relaxing and not a second later, he started crying. Harry felt him clinging to his back with his fist in Harry's shirt, his face in Harry's neck, smudging his tears. But Harry didn't care. He just held Louis as close as he could, trying to hold him together.

After a few minutes, Louis sobs died down and he only let out small hiccups once in a while. Harry felt Louis' grip loosen slightly, as Louis spoke.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to break down. I just really wanted to tell you, because I know that you love her a lot and she couldn't bring herself to tell you. Remember when I came to your house in LA this summer? I actually planned to tell you there, but you were so amazing and you seemed so happy, I just couldn't."

Harry let these words sink in. It made sense now, why Louis was so exhausted then. He was not only dealing with a custody battle, but also had to stay strong for his siblings while he must have been in so much pain himself from hearing about his mum dying.

"I'm just glad that you told me, Lou. You don't have to do this alone. Please, promise me you won't isolate yourself and try to do this alone. You're allowed to cry, you're allowed to have someone there for you. Be strong for your siblings but you don't have to be strong for everyone else, alright?"

He felt Louis squeeze him tight, sniffling slightly.

"Thank you, Harry. Really, that means so much, you don't even know."

"I know how much you love your mum, Lou. I hope she is not in too much pain."

"No I don't think so, they said they will try to make it as easy as possible for her. But she's getting so weak... It really scares me sometimes to see her so fragile. She has always been such a strong woman."

Louis' voice trembled with the last words and Harry could feel how hard it was for him to talk about it.

"She's the strongest woman I know," Harry said, looking Louis in the eyes, "She will fight as long as she can, but she will know when it's time to let go. And she'll be ready. I'm sure of that."

"But I'm not ready!" Louis balled his fists in Harry's shirt and squeezed his eyes shut. He looked like a little child trying to convince himself that it wouldn't be real if he just shut his eyes and believed hard enough.

"You can't really be ready for something like that, I think. Just try to be with her as much as you can. I would want my family around me if I was going to die. She loves you all so much."

Harry knew that nothing he could say would make any difference to Louis or the situation itself, but he still tried to comfort Louis the best he could, holding him tight and just being there with him.

~~~

After half an hour or so, Louis sat himself back up, straightening his legs in front of him and yawning.

"Are you hungry?" Harry asked, his own stomach being in need of some food.

"Not really, haven't felt really hungry in the past few weeks to be honest. But I guess I could eat something."

Harry knew that Louis had the tendency to forget to eat if there was something bad happening in his life.

"What would you like? I can make some pasta or we could order something?"

"It's really up to you, Harry. I'm fine with anything."

Harry decided to order Pizza, knowing that Louis loved it and he also didn't really want to leave Louis alone while he would have been cooking.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" Harry asked, hoping to be able to distract Louis for a few hours.

"Yeah, why not." He knew that Louis didn't really care right now, but a 'why not' was still better than 'no'.

Harry didn't even ask Louis what he wanted to watch, firstly because he knew that Louis would just answer 'I don't care' and also because he knew exactly what his favorite movie was. So he stood up from the couch and walked towards his cupboard, searching for 'Grease' and putting it inside the player.

He sat back down, close enough that Louis could feel his presence, but without touching him. As the familiar melody started to play in the background when the menu appeared on the screen, he carefully watched Louis' reaction. If he was surprised, that Harry had chosen 'Grease', he didn't show, but his mouth turned slightly upwards, enough for Harry to be relieved.

After about half an hour, the doorbell rang, announcing the pizza. Harry paused the movie and accepted the delivery. They ate in silence, continuing to watch, occasionally laughing and commenting on their favorite parts.

When they both finished their pizzas, Harry took the boxes and put them into the bin. As he walked back into the living room and Louis turned to look at him, his chest constricted painfully. Having Louis here, so close and vulnerable, really messed with his head. He could easily picture them snuggling on the couch while watching TV or just talking about everything or nothing at all.

He must have got a bit lost in his thoughts, because Louis looked at him with a questioning gaze. Harry shook himself slightly and tried to get his mind to think about anything else. Easier said than done, because as soon as Harry was sitting again, Louis scooted over, so that there was no space between them anymore.

"I'm tired," Louis announced while yawning and let his head fall onto Harry's shoulder.

"Do you want to sleep?" Harry asked, while simultaneously trying to not be stiff and fight the urge to pull Louis into his arms and never letting him go.

"Nah, we can keep watching." Louis seemed to be unbothered by their closeness, so Harry tried to also seem as nonchalant as he could, but he couldn't really focus on anything other than the weight on his shoulder.

After a few minutes Louis started squirming slightly, trying to get comfortable, so Harry instinctively, or rather out of habit, brought up his arm to lay around Louis shoulders and pulled him close to his side. He froze when his mind caught up with his actions, but Louis didn't seem averse, he just snuggled into Harry's neck and pulled himself even closer. And ok, maybe Louis needed some closeness right now. Harry was not going to push him away.

He did wonder about Danielle, though. Louis hadn't said a word about her, but as far as he knew from the media, they were still together. _How ironic_ \- having to rely on social media to be informed about his ex-boyfriend's relationship status.

Harry registered the end credits rolling, when he felt something soft and wet against his neck - and he froze. Maybe Louis was asleep? Another kiss was placed on his skin. _Okay, not asleep then._

"Louis?" Harry asked shakily.

"Hmm?" Louis answered, but didn't seem to even register what he was doing.

"What are you doing?"

Louis didn't answer, just placed kiss after kiss on Harry's skin, from where his shoulder met his neck and then up towards his jaw.

" _Louis._ " Harry's arm tightened around Louis shoulder and his heart rate picked up. Oh god, what was happening. Louis didn't stop.

"Don't. _Please_." Harry tried. He knew that whatever Louis would do, he wouldn't be able to push him away. Even though he knew how wrong it was and that they both would come to regret it.

Louis just continued to kiss him, under his jaw, towards his ear, his cheeks. Harry weakly attempted to turn his head away when he thought Louis was aiming towards his mouth, but Louis just grabbed his chin with one hand and turned him back.

There were hundreds of thoughts going through Harry's mind, but as soon as he felt soft, warm lips against his own, there was silence. Harry was sure his heart stopped beating for a few seconds, his mouth unmoving and in shock.

"Kiss me back. _Please_." Harry opened his eyes to see Louis right in front of him, eyes closed and brows furrowed, lips wet and slightly parted. And Harry was a goner.

He surged forward, hands coming up to cup Louis' cheeks, holding him with a firm and desperate grip, and closed the distance. Louis immediately fell into it, opening his mouth and meeting Harry's tongue with his own, desperate little moans coming from his throat. It was like electricity, their mouths fitting together perfectly, just like years ago.

"Oh god. _Lou_." One of Harry's hands came up to tug at Louis' hair, positioning his head to kiss him even deeper, swallowing Louis' moan. It had been almost four years since their last kiss and Harry missed him, missed this, _so much_. Louis kissed him back equally feverishly, sitting practically in Harry's lap, his hands roaming all over Harry's body.

When Louis started to press wet, open kisses along Harry's jawline and his hands tugged at the hem of Harry's shirt, his mind started to clear. _Oh god_. What were they doing?

"Lou, stop." He knew that it came out only half-heartedly, his body not being in unison with his mind.

Louis didn't stop what he was doing, hands still desperately pulling at Harry's shirt. He started to kiss the newly exposed skin on Harry's stomach, pushing the shirt upwards. There was only so much a man could take, so Harry knew he had to make a decision right now.

"Lou. Stop. _We can't_." It took all the will-power he had to grab Louis wrists and push him away from himself, holding him at a distance and looking him in the eyes.

Louis seemed to still be in some kind of daze, because he tried to surge forward again, eyes dark blue and full of lust.

"Louis!" Harry said, raising his voice to get through to Louis, "Stop it!"

He seemed to have heard this time, as he went limp in Harry's grip and his eyes went wide. Harry could sense that Louis was about to panic, so tried to talk as calmly as he could.

"Are you okay?"

Louis mind seemed to have caught up with what he had done. "I'm sorry. Oh god. I'm so sorry, Harry." He tried to get away from him, but Harry didn't let him.

"No, it's alright. But we can't, Lou."

"I know. I don't know why I did that. I'm sorry." Louis averted his eyes.

Harry was just about to let Louis go, when he saw a tear sliding down Louis' cheek.

"No, Lou. Don't cry, please." He cupped Louis cheek again and wiped it away with his thumb. At that, Louis let out a shaky breath and looked into Harry's eyes. There was so much sadness hiding in his beautiful blue eyes and Harry felt his own eyes welling up. Not wanting Louis to see, he brought him into a hug and squeezed him tight, hoping to regain some strength to be able to collect himself.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess." Louis cried into his shoulder.

"You're allowed to be. But I'm here. Always."

There was so much left unsolved between him and Louis and he knew that if they wanted to be friends again, they had to talk about everything, eventually.

But now was not the time. Now their priority had to be Johanna. And Harry was going to do everything he could to help Louis and his family through that time.

 

~~~

 

It was three days later when Harry went to visit Jay for the first time. Louis came over to drive there with him, because Harry did not want to go on his own.

They were entering the back entrance, just to be sure that no one saw them. Louis told him the day before that it was Jay's wish that no one knew about her illness. She didn't want people to be sad, knowing they couldn't do anything against it.

"Alright, I'll wait in the cafeteria for you, okay?"

Wait - _what_?

"What? I thought you would come up with me?" Harry started to shake, he couldn't do it on his own.

"No, I wanted you to spend some time with her alone first. I know she's been like your second mother." When Louis looked at him, he could see so much of the old Louis, the one he fell in and never out of love with. The one that was always there with him, that had his back, the one that had all of his heart (probably still has), the one that should have been there with him all along. And he should be there for him now, too. Harry couldn't do it on his own.

"Yeah, she was Lou. But I can't do this on my own. I need you there with me. I need you, Lou."

"Hey, Haz. Calm down, I'm here. It's okay." Harry saw Louis frowning and looking down at something and when he turned his gaze down as well, he was shocked to see his own hand wrapped around Louis biceps in what appeared to be a bruising grip.

Harry let go instantly, panic still seeping through his veins. He didn't know what was happening, he couldn't breathe.

"Harry!" Harry's eyes shot up to Louis face, which seemed concerned. "Hey, you're scaring me, what's wrong?"

"I can't -" Harry tried to get some air into his lungs, "can't do it alone. Need you," he took another wheezing breath, "need you with me."

He felt Louis hands gripping his shoulders, grounding him.

"Hey, it's alright. I'm coming with you. It's okay. I'm here." Louis voice calmed him down a little bit, but he was still shaking a lot.

"Relax, Harry. You're okay. I'm here." When Louis pulled him into an unexpected hug, Harry all but sagged against him. With his face buried into Louis neck, he breathed deeply for a few minutes, in and out, letting that familiar scent surround him and calm him down. He held onto Louis tightly, not capable of letting go just yet, while Louis hands wandered up and down his back, occasionally resting or fumbling through the short hair at the back of his head.

When Harry felt close to normal again, he pulled back and wiped away the few tears, which managed to escape his eyes. Louis looked at him and then reached out to comb his fingers through Harry's fringe, sorting it out. Harry didn't know why, but he brought his own hand up, to grip Louis' wrist, keeping Louis hand there.

Louis seemed startled, but didn't try to pull away, so Harry brought his own hand up to Louis cheek, brushing over his cheekbone. Neither of them said anything, they just looked at each other, blue meeting green. They were already standing close, so Harry took a little step forward, his toes meeting Louis', the latter still not pulling away, and with a final burst of determination, Harry brought his forehead down to meet Louis'. For a few minutes they just stood there, eyes closed, breathing each other's air, existing together.

"Thank you. I'm sorry." Harry finally exhaled and loosened his grip on Louis wrist, pulling away slightly.

"Don't have to apologize, Haz. You're okay?" Louis asked gently.

"Yeah, I'm okay now. I'm ready."

"Okay. Let's do this." Louis smiled at him encouragingly.

So Louis navigated them through the hospital, towards the oncology wing. When they stood in front of the door, Harry started to become anxious again. How would Jay look? What should he say to her? Would she be happy to see him?

He felt a smaller hand slip into his own, squeezing. Right. He was not alone. Louis was there with him. They were going through this together.

Louis seemed to know that Harry was ready, because he lifted his hand and knocked on the door twice, pushing it open after a familiar voice called 'come in'.

Harry tried to take in his surroundings, the room was a nice size, only one bed, decorated just like a normal bedroom. If it weren't for the medical equipment standing beside the bed, you wouldn't think to be in a hospital room. There were tons of flowers on the window sill, painted pictures on the walls (Harry was sure that the majority of them was from both sets of twins), framed pictures of family members and loved ones in between them.

"Harry, my baby!" Harry startled at the fragile female voice, looking to the source of it and meeting blue eyes. Tears started to prickle in his eyes immediately, as he took in what he saw. Jay seemed so small in her bed, laying under a thick layer of blankets. She had an IV hooked into her right hand laying on top. The hollows of her cheeks were clearly visible and the bags under her eyes showed how impossibly tired she must have been. She was wearing a beautiful blue silky scarf around the top of her head, accentuating her eyes. Those were what got to Harry the most. Despite the horrible circumstances, her eyes didn't seem to have lost their spark. They were just the same as always, looking at Harry with so much love.

And Harry couldn't take it. He broke down. He promised himself he wouldn't do that, that he would be strong, especially in front of Louis and Jay. But today seemed to be the wrong day for that. His knees buckled and he let himself sag to the floor, pulling his knees up and pushing his face into them, getting his jeans wet as he couldn't stop crying.

He wasn't really aware of anything around him, not until he felt hands gripping his, trying to pry them away from his face.

"Haz. Harry, hey." _So they were Louis' hands then._ "Don't cry, love."

Harry crushed Louis' hands in his own, trying to stop his tears. He felt Louis pulling him up, until he was standing on his own feet, still wobbly. But Louis had a strong grip and steered him towards Jay. When Harry felt strong enough, he lifted his head and met Jay's eyes.

"Oh, sweetheart. Come here." And with that, Harry fell into Jay's open arms, gripping her tightly without hurting her.

"I'm sorry," He sobbed, "I'm so, so sorry." He felt Jay's hands on his back and his hair, stroking gently.

"It's alright, honey. It's going to be alright."

And wasn't that great, her comforting him, when she was the one being sick and probably only weeks away from dying. _Pull yourself together, Styles!_

He felt Jay pressing a kiss onto his forehead when he pulled away, he had to squeeze his eyes together not to start crying again, but he managed.

"Sweetie, could you give me a minute alone with Harry, please?" Harry turned around to see Louis standing close behind him.

"I don't -" Louis looked at Harry hesitantly.

"It's alright, Lou. I'm okay now. Thank you." Harry squeezed Louis' hand,  nodding at him and then watched him walk out of the room.

"Harry?" He must have zoned out there for a minute, because Jay's voice startled him. He turned to look at her.

"Hm?"

"You're still in love with him, aren't you?" _Whoa_. Harry's heart hammered in his chest. Why did mums always know everything? And what was he supposed to say to her? _'Yes I still love your son but he doesn't love me back and he has a girlfriend'_ or _'He kissed me a few days ago and I don't know what to do'_ didn't seem like appropriate answers.

"I - uh," he stammered, averting his gaze and fiddling with his hands.

"You don't have to say it. But I can see it in your eyes, sweetheart. It's alright, I won't tell him." She squeezed his hands and smiled at him.

"Okay. Thanks," Harry was relieved. "What did you want to talk about?" He remembered why she sent Louis out of the room.

"I just wanted to ask you a favor."

"Oh?" Harry wondered.

"I just... I know that it will break Louis' heart when I'm gone." Harry swallowed. He didn't even want to think about it yet. "I know that he will try to not let it show and that he will try to be strong for everyone. And I know that it is okay and that he has to it this way for the first few days, but please Harry," She looked him in the eyes pleadingly, " _please_ help him grieve when he is ready. Please be there for him. He would break eventually if he didn't get a chance to grieve himself."

And yeah. Harry knew that Louis always tried to be there for everyone and didn't care about his own well-being enough. Jay was right. It would break him. But what should Harry do?

"But why me? What can I do?" Harry felt tears welling up in his eyes again.

"Just be there for him. You are the person that knows him best, beside me. And still, after all these years, I know that you are the only person he ever opened himself up to that much. You're special, Harry, and no matter how you two are going to end up, I know that you will always have a special place in his heart."

Great. Now he was crying again.

"It's so unfair. I don't want any of you going through that, why does life always have to be so fucking hard?" He clung to Jay's hand, tears running down his cheeks.

"Shh. No swearing, Harry!" Jay joked. "But promise me you'll be there for him, please?"

"Yeah. Of course. I promise with all my heart." He kissed her hand and then hugged her again.

"Do you mind sending Louis in? I'm getting tired and I wanted to talk to him too."

"Yeah of course, I'll send him in. Bye, Jay, I'll be back soon, I promise." He pressed one last kiss to her cheek and then walked out of the room.

When the door closed, he tried to collect himself for a moment, sagging against the wall and wiping his face with his sleeves, still sniffling a bit. He was just about to go and search for Louis, when he felt himself pulled into a familiar body, hugging him tight.

"Everything okay, Haz? Why are you crying?" Louis held him for a few seconds and then pulled away.

"Yeah. I'm fine. Just trying to process everything, really. Your mum wants to see you, she said she's getting tired."

"Okay. I'm glad. Yeah, she's getting weaker every day... I'll be right back, alright? Won't be long."

"Yeah, of course, Lou. Take your time, it is your mum after all." Harry assured him.

"Wouldn't have thought so based on _your_ state." Louis grinned jokingly, knocking his shoulder into Harry's, who had to choke out a small laugh at that statement, too.


	4. Just Hold On

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> This chapter is a little bit shorter, but I don't want to change the POV in the middle of a chapter.  
> I hope you guys like it.
> 
> Thank you so much for you feedback so far!!
> 
> Also: HAPPY NEW YEAR!! :)

Louis was strutting through his dressing room with small, antsy steps. You would think that someone who had done over 330 sold out shows shouldn't get stage fright anymore. And Louis knew how to deal with pre-show nerves, he really did. But this was different. So different.

He wasn't about to go on stage with three of his best mates, no, this time he was on his own. Well, almost. Of course there was Steve, who had been an amazing support for him during the last few weeks, but Louis was all alone on the singing part. For the first time since his X Factor audition. And he was shitting himself.

"You're gonna do great, mate! We've got this. You've got this, I know it." Louis was startled out of his mind when Steve laid a calming hand on his arm.

"I don't know... I'm so scared, I'm not ready, Steve!"

"You are. You were ready a long time for this, Louis."

Steve was right. They decided to sing this song at the X Factor finale a few weeks ago, after Louis' had played the song for his mum. She was in tears and she immediately told him that she wanted to see him perform this song for her on the stage where everything began. It was her last wish. Louis couldn't deny her that, really.

"But she was supposed to be here. She wanted to see me here on this stage one last time." His voice broke on the last few words.

"And she will see you. I'm sure. She's gonna be so proud of you doing this for her."

When Steve pulled him into a hug, he couldn't hold back the tears any longer and allowed himself to let go for a moment. After a few seconds, he pulled back, wiped his eyes and collected himself.

"Okay." He let out a deep breath. "Let's do this."

 

~~~

 

Okay, so Louis may have underestimated how hard it would be. Just a little bit. It helped that the song was upbeat and fun, otherwise he was sure he couldn't have done it. His heart was beating so fast and he was shaking, but he pulled through.

 _'Oh until it's all been said_  
It's not over until your dying breath  
So what do you want them to say when you're gone?  
That you gave up or that you kept going on?'

He tried not to think too much about the words he was singing, just having fun, like his mum would want him to.

_'If it all goes wrong, darling just hold on.'_

That last line almost got him, but he stayed strong. He did it. Louis looked to his right at Steve, who sent him a big smile and hugged him.

"Well done, mate. You did it!"

Slowly, Louis head cleared and he took in his surroundings. He was here, at the Wembley Arena, thousands of people applauding and screaming, the judges giving them standing ovations. He was speechless. If only his mum could have seen it. _No, don't go there, or you will cry._

"Uuh, Louis." Simon caught his attention. "What you've just done, the bravery... I respect you as an artist, I respect you as a person, and -"

Louis felt his throat tighten and his eyes start to water. _Please keep it together._

"Your mum was so proud of you Louis, and she was so looking forward to tonight, she's watching down on you now and you've done her proud."

_Oh god._

He sent a thank you gesture to Simon, unable to speak and then sent a kiss upwards to his mum before he left the stage with shaking legs.

Steve hugged him again as soon as they were backstage and congratulated him once more.

Together, they walked towards their dressing rooms and as soon as Louis' door was closed, all the exertion and adrenaline were leaving his body and he slumped onto his sofa. He dragged his legs up and just let go.

Not a minute after that, he heard his door open, but didn't have the power to look up. Soon, he felt a gentle arm around his shoulders.

"You were so good, Louis, We're so proud of you. We love you so much. Mum would have loved it."

_Lottie._

Louis turned towards her and hugged her tight. They all stuck together during the past few months, growing impossibly closer. They hugged for what felt like hours, clinging to each other, crying silently.

The door opened again, this time it was Danielle. Louis let go of Lottie and stood up to take her into his arms. She has been there for him too, at least whenever she could manage. He really, really liked her.

"You were amazing out there. I'm so proud, Louis. Love you."

"Thank you. Love you too." He did. He loved her. But he wasn't sure if he was in love with her though. But that was another story and not the right time to think about it. He kissed her cheek and was just about to sit down again, when the door opened a third time.

This time, it was Liam and Niall, both of them practically running towards Louis and pulling him into a tight three-way hug.

"That was so good, Lou. I can't imagine how hard it must have been." Liam said, and Niall also hummed something along those lines.

"Thank you guys for being here, means a lot." Louis had tears in his eyes again. But he didn't care. These guys have seen him in much worse conditions.

"Wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here."

"I love you guys." Louis hugged them again.

The room then started to fill with people who wanted to congratulate Louis or give him condolences, some of them staying, most of them leaving again after a few minutes. Louis was busy talking to people, which distracted him from thinking about his mum and the reason he was even here at least for a few minutes.

He was just saying goodbye to Louise, when there was a warm, big hand on his shoulder. When he turned, he looked into green, green eyes that somehow managed to say _'I'm so sorry', 'I'm here for you'_ and _'You did amazing today'_ all at the same time.

Louis barely had time to think before he was engulfed in a big, warm hug. He didn't hesitate before wrapping his own arms around Harry's back and squeezing him back. He didn't let himself think about how right this felt, how they always fit together like puzzle pieces and how good it felt to just let himself be held against Harry's larger and stronger frame. He ignored the fuzzy feeling in his stomach and just let himself be. Harry didn't seem to want to let go of him any time in the future, and Louis didn't pull back. He was content, he felt safe and he just let himself have this moment.

"I'm so proud of you, Lou." Harry squeezed him even tighter and pressed a kiss into Louis' hair, "You're so strong."

"Thank you. But I couldn't have done it without you. Thanks for being here."

"Always, Lou."

With that, they stepped out of the embrace and their little bubble and started to take in their surroundings again.

 

**_*Flashback to a week earlier*_ **

_Louis was woken up by his phone ringing continuously somewhere next to his bed. He finally was able to fall asleep only about an hour before, so he hoped that whoever called had a valuable reason to wake him up in the middle of the night._

_He reached for his phone, not bothering to look at the screen._

_"Yeah?"_

_"Lou? Thank god you're awake."_

_"Harry? Why are you calling me in the middle of the night?"_

_"It's your mum, Lou. She's getting worse."_

_Oh god. Louis was up and out of bed in a second, searching for his clothes._

_"What's wrong? Why weren't they calling me?"_

_"They tried but you weren't answering apparently.  Dan and Lottie are already on their way, Tommy is watching the kids and they called me to get you. I'm here."_

_With that, Harry hung up the phone and not a second later, Louis doorbell rung. Louis hastily pulled on his sweatpants, stuffed his feet into his vans, grabbed his briefcase and opened the door. He almost ran into Harry's chest in his rush, but Harry managed to grab him by his arms and slow him down._

_"Easy there. It's okay, Lou. Come here."_

_Louis let himself be pulled into Harry's arms for a few seconds, but his mind was already at the hospital with his mum._

_Harry guided them towards his car and opened the passenger door for Louis, then getting behind the wheel himself and started to drive. He may have crossed a few speed limits on the way, but who cared._

_They hurried through the hospital corridors, already familiar with the way to Jay's room. When they reached the right number, however, the door stood open wide and the room was empty._

_"Oh god, please, noooo!" Louis knees buckled and he would have fallen, if Harry didn't steady him._

_"Lou, it's alright, I'm sure they just took her into another room. Come on, let's find a nurse."_

_Louis didn't really register anything, he just let himself be guided through the hospital, clinging to Harry's side. His mind was reeling, worst case scenarios playing in his head. Please don't let her die in the middle of the night without anyone beside her. Please._

_It was about two minutes before they found somebody. The nurse must have recognized them, because she immediately started to talk._

_"They had to take her to the intensive care unit, her organs were failing so they had to put her on support."_

_And with that Louis knew that it was serious this time. His mum always said that she didn't want to be kept alive by life support if it ever came to it._

_"What does that mean?" Harry asked._

_"She is in an induced coma right now, but we are confident that she will wake up tomorrow. We just couldn't risk anything without the consent of her family. But I don't want to lie, she hasn't got much more time left, so you should consider talking about what we should do if something like that happens again."_

_"Alright. Thank you. Can we go see her?" Louis was glad that Harry did the talking, he was sure that he wouldn't be able to say a word right now. His chest was hurting and his throat painfully constricted and he felt like his life played in front of him like a movie._

_"I'm not sure, but I can guide you there, so you can talk with her doctors."_

_Just as the nurse told them that it was just behind the corner, they saw Dan and Lottie sitting in the waiting area. Lottie immediately stood up as she noticed them and launched herself into Louis' arms._

_"Thank god you're here." Lottie was shaking in Louis' hold and Louis felt his knees buckle again. They somehow managed to shuffle over to the chairs and collapsed in them together, holding onto each other with everything they had._

_"Have you seen her?" Louis managed to choke out._

_"No, they won't let anyone in until she wakes up. We just have to wait. The doctor said it could take only hours or up to a day."_

_"Okay. Well then we just have to make ourselves comfortable here, I guess."_

_"Yeah, that's what I said. Dan wanted me to go home and sleep, but I can't. As if I could sleep right now."_

_Lottie laid her head on top of Louis' shoulder and Louis hugged her tight to his side, laying his head on top of hers, closing his eyes._

_He startled when he felt a presence and movement beside him and a tentative hand on his leg. Opening his eyes, he saw the small cross tattoo grazing the hand and immediately knew who that hand belonged to. He laid his hand on top of it and squeezed lightly._

_"What are you still doing here, Haz? Go home and sleep. Thank you for driving me here."_

_"No, I don't mind waiting. I wouldn't be able to sleep either now. And besides, I'm not leaving you here."_

_When Louis brought his head up to look into Harry's eyes and saw how much sincerity they held, he almost wanted to cry again._

_"How are you even real? Thank you." He didn't know what to say, so he just squeezed Harry's hand once more and laid his head on top of Harry's shoulder, Lottie's sleep-heavy head still on his own.  
            _

**_*End Flashback*_ **

 

~~~

 

The first thing Louis registered when he woke up, was that his back was warm. Not only warm but sweaty too. _Lovely_. As he tried to turn around, he didn't come very far, because the arm splayed over his stomach pulled him tighter.

_Wait a minute._

There was somebody in bed with him. Somebody who wasn't Danielle. That arm was definitely male. Louis heart rate picked up. He didn't remember bringing anyone home with him from the after party. Well, he didn't really remember that much about the after party at all, so no surprise there.

He pulled the covers back, too scared to turn around now. He looked down and noticed two things. First, that arm was covered in familiar tattoos. Second, he was only in his underwear.

_Shit._

Okay, so he was slightly eased that it was only Harry, not some stranger. But he still didn't know why Harry was in bed with him. And as far as he could tell, Harry was also only in his underwear. _Awesome_.

He slowly untangled Harry's arm away from himself and got out of bed. Harry made some noise of protest and snuggled the duvet close to his chest, but didn't wake up. _Phew_.

Louis walked into his bathroom to relieve his bladder and then decided to take a shower because he felt disgusting to be honest.

After the shower and brushing his teeth, he felt much more alive and after a look in the mirror, he knew that he at least didn't sleep with Harry. If they'd had sex, he would have had a ton of marks all over his body, which he didn't.

He walked back into his bedroom, briefly checking on Harry's sleeping form, and grabbed a pair of sweatpants, put them on and left the room to go make some tea.

While the teakettle was heating, he had to think about the night before. If he wouldn't know that it really happened, he would think that it was all a dream. But he really did it. He sang in front of so many people and in front of the judges, all on his own. And most importantly, he sang for his mum. He really hoped she did see him from up there.

When the water boiled, he went to retrieve a mug out of his cabinet, but after a moment of consideration, he took another one out as well. No need to be a shit host. He got his Yorkshire tea bags and put one into both cups and filled them with water, preparing them the same way as he did a million times before. After five minutes, he took the bags out, threw them in the bin and put both mugs onto a tray, making his way back upstairs to try and wake Harry up.

Just as he was at the bottom of the stairs, he thought he heard Harry saying his name. Good, he was up. Maybe he could tell him what happened. When he reached the top of the stairs though, he heard Harry almost shouting his name. _Shit, did something happen?_ He hurried towards his room and opened the door to see what was wrong. But what he saw inside, was not what he expected to find at all. Not at all.


	5. Step by step

_There were soft lips trailing kisses down his chest, lingering briefly at every one of his four nipples, licking, biting, sucking and then going further down, along his happy trail until they reached the soft skin where his thigh met his groin. Harry was moaning, trying to not let his hips buck up and hold still. He let his hand wander downwards to grab Louis' hair, pulling slightly. That startled a groan out of Louis, who was still mouthing near Harry's cock, so the vibration sent a tingling sensation all over Harry's body._

_"Louu." Harry moaned desperately, he was already at the edge just from Louis' constant teasing, "Please."_

_Louis finally seemed to indulge him and took Harry's whole cock down in one go._

_"Uurrhhgg. Lou. God yeah." His fingers tightened in Louis' hair, which seemed the only way not to lose himself completely._

_"Mhhh. You taste so fucking good." Louis pulled off for a second to catch his breath and then immediately went back to it. He was slurping and choking and making a mess. But Harry loved it._

_"Lou, can I- ooooooh, yeah." Harry was cut off by Louis sinking down on him until he hit the back of his throat. But he seemed to have heard Harry, because he nodded with his mouth still full of Harry. They have been together long enough to know exactly what the other meant._

_Louis pulled off a little bit and looked up at Harry as if to say 'go on'. When Harry's eyes met Louis', glazed over with lust and want and already starting to fill with tears, Harry couldn't hold himself back anymore. He put both hands on the back of Louis' head, gripping the hair tightly and holding him in perfect position for him to thrust upwards. Louis opened his mouth obediently and closed his eyes, waiting for Harry to start._

_"You look so hot, god Lou." Harry didn't start slow, he bucked his hips up in fast, even thrusts, using Louis to get himself off. And Louis took it. He always took it so well. He spluttered, he choked and tears were running down his cheeks, but he didn't pull away. Harry loved Louis like that, so submissive and trusting, only wanting to please Harry. He knew that Louis also got off on it, and he was further encouraged when Louis shifted one hand downwards to get a hold of his own cock._

_Harry knew both of them where near the edge, so he didn't let his thrusts falter._

_"God, Lou... I'm so close... You take me so well." Louis only moaned at Harry's words, close himself._

_With a choked off moan, Louis came all over the bed, mouth still open for Harry._

_Harry bucked his hips up three, four more times before he squeezed his eyes shut and came with a strangled "Louuuuu" on his lips._

When he opened his eyes again though, he was met with Louis standing one step into the room, a tray with two cups of presumably tea in his hands, mouth hanging open and looking at Harry in shock.

_Shit._

Harry looked down at himself, embarrassment showing on his cheeks with a crimson red, at least he was still under the covers, but he felt a sticky wetness in his boxers. _Oh god_. He just had a wet dream about Louis. _In Louis' bed_. And he even came in his sleep. For god's sake, he wasn't sixteen anymore. That shouldn't happen to him anymore. Apparently sleeping in a bed together with Louis snuggled next to him brought up some memories.

"Louis." He didn't know what to say.

"Hey. I uh, I'm just -" Louis seemed to have lost his words as well, eyes still wide, "I'm just gonna -" He didn't even finish his sentence, just turned around and left the room. Harry could hear him walking down the stairs.

Shit. Louis must have seen or heard something, otherwise he wouldn't have any reason to react that way. And then it hit Harry. The last thing he remembered from his dream was him shouting Louis' name as he came. Had Louis heard that? _Oh god, please no_. No wonder he had seemed so shocked.

Embarrassment still flooding through his every vein, he figured that he should get rid of his sticky underwear before anything else, so he got out of bed and went into the en suite bathroom to take a shower. He needed a few tries to figure out how to get the shower running, because while he had been to Louis' a few times during the last month, he had never been inside his private bathroom.

While he stood there, letting the hot water run down over his face, hair and down to where it was most needed, he recalled the events of the night.         


**_*Flashback to the night before*_ **

_After his performance, Louis went to a club to party with Lottie and a few others. Liam was there as well as far as Harry knew. Harry was tired and also not in the mood to go out, so he said his goodbyes and headed home. He ate some late dinner and decided to watch a movie in his bed. He must have been asleep for about 2 hours when he was woken up by his phone ringing. He was surprised to see Lottie's number at his screen, but decided to answer it anyway._

_"Hey, Lots. What's going on?" His voice was all raspy and deep from sleep._

_"Hey. I'm sorry to wake you. But Louis won't shut up and I don't know what to do with him." She sounded worried but at the same time really annoyed, so Harry had no idea what was happening._

_"Why? What is wrong? Is he alright?" Harry struggled not to sound too worried._

_Lottie let out a pained laugh, "Depends on how you define 'alright', I think"_

_Okay. Harry still didn't know what to do with that information._

_"Just tell me what's wrong? Please?"_

_"Well, my dear brother decided to party a little too hard, so he is drunk as hell. I got him out of there and we took a cab to his house, I got him inside and dragged him into his bed. But now he refuses to go to sleep unless you are here."_

_Harry needed a second to process Lottie's words._

_"What do you mean unless I am there?" He decided to ask in case he got it wrong._

_"Just listen..." Lottie said and then put him on speaker. "Lou, come on, time to sleep." "Noooo, I don't wanna. Want ma Hazza. Don't wanna sleep without 'im", Harry had a hard time understanding what Louis' was saying, but the message was clear. There was some rustling sounds and then Lottie was back "Did you hear it?"_

_And yeah. Harry did. It caused some weird sensations inside him. His stomach got fuzzy with the feeling of tons of little butterflies and he got goose bumps all over his body. How Louis still had the power to turn him into mush with only a few words, was a mystery._

_"Yeah, I heard it. I'm coming over. Give me twenty minutes."_

_"Oh, you don't have to do that, I thought maybe you could talk to him over the phone?"_

_Oh. Harry hadn't thought about that. But if he was honest, he was a little excited to see Louis, even if it was probably the worst idea ever._

_"Yeah I could do that. But you know him, he won't give up until I'm there. He's the most stubborn person as we all know." He tried to sound reasonable and not too giddy with excitement._

_"You're right I guess. Okay if you don't mind, I really can't deal with him when he is like that."_

_Harry knew where Lottie came from. Drunk Louis was funny and sometimes a little stupid but mostly just lovely. Wasted Louis though, was a lot of work. He always got overly emotional, and hard to convince of something else if he had set his mind on something._

_"Yeah, I don't mind. See you soon!" With that, he ended the phone call and got out of bed. He put some sweatpants and a hoodie on, along with his trainers and then he was out the door and got into his car._

_On the drive to Louis' house, he unfortunately had time to over think everything. Why would Louis want him there? Of course he was drunk off his mind but how do you say? Drunk people always tell the truth? So Harry didn't know what to think of it. His heart held on to the hope that Louis did want him there for the same reasons Harry always wanted to be around him. Because he still loved him. But a big part of his brain told him that Louis was just lonely and too drunk to know what he was saying._

_Before he could think too much about it though, he pulled up to Louis' driveway. He got out of his car and after a few seconds of hesitation, he rang the door bell. Lottie opened immediately, obviously having desperately waited for him._

_"Thank god you're here. I'm going crazy." She sounded so relieved as she pulled Harry into a quick hug._

_"It's alright, I'll deal with him. Are you sleeping in the guest room?"_

_"Oh, no. I promised Tommy that I would sleep at his. I called a cab, should turn up any minute now. Thank you so much Harry! I hope he doesn't change his mind anymore and will shut up finally now you're here." She laughed lightly and Harry could see that she was really tired._

_"I hope so too. Alright, I see what I can do then. Goodnight, Lots!" Harry hugged her again, then took his shoes and jacket off and made his way upstairs to the bedroom, where he assumed to find Louis._

_What he didn't expect however, was to find Louis sitting on the floor outside his bedroom, with his back against the wall. He had his knees drawn towards his chest with his arms slung around and his head resting on them. You could think that he was asleep. Harry slowly approached him with a gentle "Lou?"._

_Louis was not asleep. His head shot up right after hearing Harry's voice and he was up on his feet in a second, almost falling over, stumbling along the wall and launching himself into Harry's arms._

_Harry managed to hold both of them upright, but an 'oooomph' was startled out of him with the impact of Louis' body. He heard Louis mumbling continuously into his chest, but it did take him a while to understand that Louis was saying something like 'my hazza' over and over again._

_"You alright?" Harry asked while trying to pry himself away from Louis, but without success._

_"Yeah. Am now." Louis didn't seem to want to let go of him anytime soon, so Harry slipped his feet under Louis' and walked both of them towards Louis' bed. There, he tried again to separate them, but Louis wasn't having it._

_"Noo. Don't leaaave." Louis whined. Harry didn't know what to do. It was a long time ago when Louis last was so clingy and anxious. But deep down Harry knew exactly what brought this up. Losing your mum obviously would get to you, no matter how strong you were. Harry tried not to cry when thinking of how lost Louis must have felt._

_"I'm not leaving, I promise. But you need to let go for a minute so I can get our clothes off, okay? I don't want to sleep in my jeans and I don't think you want to either."_

_Louis seemed to consider it for a moment before he apparently decided that he could trust Harry's words. He reluctantly let him go, and Harry immediately undressed himself before he got to work on Louis' clothes. When they both were in their underwear, Harry slid onto the bed and got under the covers, holding them open for Louis to join him. That's exactly what Louis did, and he snuggled himself into Harry's side immediately, head on his chest and arm secured around his waist._

_Harry put his own arms around Louis', one holding onto his back and the other over Louis arm on his own chest._

_"Do you want to talk about it?" Harry hesitantly asked._

_"Nooo. Just wanna sleep. With my Hazza." Louis mumbled, already dozing off._

_Alright then._

_  
***End Flashback***_

When he was done showering, Harry dried himself off and then pulled on his sweatpants and shirt that he wore the night before, not bothering with boxers. He quickly brushed his teeth with a spare toothbrush that he found in one of Louis cupboards and then made his way downstairs, ready to face Louis again.

Louis was sitting on the sofa, legs crossed and the half-finished cup of tea in his hands, the other cup still on the tray on the table in front of him. He looked up when he heard Harry approaching.

"Hey." He spoke almost to quiet for Harry to hear.

"Hey Lou." _Oh god_. This was going to be awkward. Harry could already feel the tension. He made his way over to him and sat down beside him, taking his cup of tea from the tray.

"Oh, do you want me to warm it up for you? I can put it in the microwave?"

"No, it's fine, thank you. But even if it was cold, I could always do it myself, you know? You don't have to spoil me." Harry tried to be funny. Like so often though, he didn't really succeed. Louis didn't say anything back, only sent him a fake smile.

"Sooo..." Harry didn't know how to start this conversation, "umm... okay shit, I'm just gonna ask. What did you see when you walked into your room earlier? I'm sorry by the way, for whatever it was you saw."

Louis apparently didn't expect him to ask so straightforward, so he looked at him shocked, almost like he did when he saw him in the bed earlier.

"I - umm. Okay. So we are not ignoring it I guess? Umm... - Well I thought I heard you saying my name when I was going upstairs, but then you almost shouted it, so I thought something happened, right? But then when I opened the door, you were laying in bed, eyes closed and scrunched up and trembling all over. And yeah, I know how you look when you have an orgasm, so no mistaking there. And I guess everyone has his needs and everything, but did you really have to wank inside my bed?"

_Oh shit. But - wait._

"Noo, no, no, god Lou, I didn't wank in your bed! I wouldn't do that, honestly. Not without you there -" _Shit could he make this even worse?_ "I mean - shit. Umm. I had a dream if you know what I mean?" He could feel his cheeks turning a deep red color.

"Yeah, I know what you mean. But you shouted my name?" Louis looked at him questioningly, and _god_. Sometimes Louis could be really dumb.

"Yeah, I did. The dream was about you, stupid." Harry admitted.

"What? You were having a wet dream about me?" Louis sat in front of him with wide eyes and his mouth open.

"Is that really so unlikely to you? I mean, we were sharing a bed and cuddling all night, I don't think I could be held responsible if my mind drifted a little bit unconsciously." Harry blushed.

"Umm. Yeah I guess." Louis looked at him with a scrutiny that Harry couldn't decipher. He just hoped that Louis didn't find it too weird.

"Could we just forget it please? I'm really sorry." Harry really didn't want to think about this embarrassing morning, when there were more important things to talk about.

"Yeah, alright. Fine with me." Louis laughed. "Umm, but just so you know, I don't really remember anything from last night, so if you could please tell me why you're here? You weren't at the party, right? Or did you change your mind and decided to come anyway?"

Harry didn't really know how he would explain to Louis what happened in the night. They were getting closer again during the last month but that didn't justify spending a night together in bed, he knew that. But he knew that Lottie would tell him anyway as soon as she saw him again, so why not tell him right now. He turned himself towards Louis, his gaze turned downwards, where he fiddled with his fingers, and started to explain.

"No, I went home as I planned. Lottie called and woke me up, she was with you and told me that you refused to go to bed unless I was there. She didn't want to leave you alone, so she called me. And I guess I still can't deny you a thing, so I got in my car and drove here. Lottie went back to Tommy's and I went upstairs to see what was up. You were really drunk, Lou. And you were really clingy, you know how you get. You didn't even want to let me go to undress, but I promised you that I wouldn't leave. So yeah. I got us under the covers and asked you if you wanted to talk, but you were already falling asleep. I figured that you would be in need of a good night's sleep after that evening, so I let you. So, I guess that's it. That's what happened." Harry finished his monologue, hoping he didn't seem too crazy for giving in to Louis so fast. But that's just how it always has been.

When he looked up, he didn't expect to find Louis with tears in his eyes and so much warmness aimed towards Harry and he didn't say anything for at least a minute.

"Lou?" Harry didn't know what that meant, was Louis sad or happy or shocked? He really didn't know.

Louis still hadn't said anything, looking at Harry as if he tried to figure him out. Then, he moved slowly downwards, until his head was on Harry's thigh and his arms wrapped around Harry's calf.

"Thank you." Was everything he said.

Harry didn't know how to deal with that version of Louis. He didn't want to come on too strong, in case he would scare Louis away, but he also couldn't just let him deal with everything alone, so he tested the waters by slowly stroking Louis' hair with his hand. When he didn't pull away, Harry softly massaged his head while still sorting his fingers through Louis' hair. With his other hand, he stroked up and down Louis back in a soothing manner, giving him time to work out what was on his mind.

After a few minutes, Harry noticed that Louis started to shake slightly. He was just about to say something, when he heard Louis quietly choking out "I'm so sorry. God, I'm so sorry." and then he started to cry into Harry's trousers, clinging to him while sobs wracked his body.

Harry's heart broke. He didn't know what was going on inside Louis' head and he didn't know how to help him. He couldn't help but let a few tears escape his eyes as well. Whatever was bothering Louis went further than Jay's death, Harry was sure.

"Shh, Lou. It's alright. You're okay." He struggled to find the right words, so he did what he always did best and pulled Louis up into his lap to hug him close. Louis went willingly, hiding his face in Harry's neck.

"I miss her so much."

Harry just pulled him closer, still stroking his hair, "I know, Lou. I'm so sorry."

He let Louis cry for a few minutes more, until his sobs died down to small hiccups. He then cupped Louis face with both hands and pulled his head back to look at him face to face.

"Hey there. You alright?" He wiped the tear streaks away with his thumbs, looking into Louis eyes for any sign of how he was holding up.

"Yeah. Sorry." Louis tried to turn his head away as if he was embarrassed of what happened.

"Heey, none of that," Harry didn't loosen his grip on Louis' face, "you're allowed to cry. I'm always there for you." He said while looking into Louis' eyes.

"Thank you." Louis answered after a few moments, closing his eyes and letting his forehead sink against Harry's. Harry then couldn't restrain from pressing a lingering kiss to Louis' forehead before hugging him close again.

"What you did yesterday was so unbelievably strong, you know that? I'm so, so proud of you. I can't tell you enough. You did so well."

"Thank you. I just hope she heard. That's all that matters."

"I'm sure she did. She wouldn't miss that. No matter where she is" Harry assured him.

 

~~~

 

After they eventually entangled themselves, Harry made them some eggs and bacon for breakfast which they ate in relative silence, neither of them speaking, just comfortable to be around each other. Harry had always loved that about their relationship, it was enough only to be in each other's presence sometimes.

"So you really don't remember anything from last night, huh?" Harry grinned at Louis when they were putting their plates into the dishwasher.

"No, not really, I think" Louis worried, furrowing his brows. "The last thing I fully remember was going into the club and deciding to get really drunk. I remember some bits and pieces, Lottie in some of them but not much else. I'm sorry."

"What about Danielle?" Harry wondered. "Didn't she go with you? And you don't have to be sorry."

Louis gestured him to sit down on the couch again, so he did and turned to face him.

"No, she didn't, she had to fly back to Atlanta. But I don't think she would have come with us anyway, she doesn't like to party with me. I guess I know why now. I wouldn't want to have to deal with drunk me either. So yes, I have to be sorry. You didn't have any obligation to deal with me last night, but you did it anyway. Really Harry, I owe you. So much. Thank you."

Louis made sure to look into Harry's eyes while saying it and also grabbed his hand, squeezing it.

_And yeah_. That was new. Harry had to experience a few situations with a drunk Louis over the past few months, but Louis never made sure to thank him or took the time to acknowledge what he did, so Harry was a little surprised. But he was also so, so glad that Louis could apparently trust him enough to let him in and show his true emotions.

They sat there for a few minutes when Louis suddenly spoke up.

"I think I need to break up with her."

Harry was sure he must have heard that wrong.

"What?" He looked at Louis, but his face didn't show anything.

"Danielle - I think she's not the right one for me... I mean, I love her, but... It's just not enough you know? She doesn't get me and I don't think it's fair for both of us to delude ourselves into thinking we could ever really work out in the long run."

Harry didn't know what to say. His heart was racing and his palms were getting sweaty, staring at Louis with wide eyes. He hoped that Louis didn't notice Harry's relief with hearing those words.

"I - umm. I mean - you know what's best for you, I guess? So yeah, if she's not the one..." he trailed off before he would say stupid words like 'I'm the one' or 'I get you' or something like that.

"Oh wow, what a great help you are." Louis snorted sarcastically, but laughed at the same time.

"Yeah, sorry... I'm not a pro in breaking up with someone, I never had to do it, if you remember." It was out before he could stop himself. He quickly slapped his hands over his mouth, eyes almost bulging out of his head. "I'm sorry, Lou, I didn't mean to say that."

Louis only looked down and sighed.

"No, you're right. It's about time we talked about it, anyway... right?"

_And_ \- _No, no, no._

"No, Lou, please don't. I'm not ready. I don't want to talk about it right now, okay?"

"What do you mean you're not ready? You're the one that always wanted to talk it out?" Louis seemed confused.

"Yeah, I do want to talk about it eventually. But I just got you back, I don't want to do this right now. I'm afraid that if we talk about it all, I'm going to lose you again. I wouldn't survive that."

Harry didn't know where that fear suddenly came from, but as soon as he heard Louis wanting to talk about their past, memories of bad times popped up inside his mind and it seemed like their bubble which he worked so hard for the past few months and last month especially, was starting to burst. He wasn't ready for their bubble to burst. It was a safe place right now and he didn't want to be anywhere else.

He realized that there were tears running down his face at the same time he saw Louis eyes widen.

"Oh no, Haz. Don't cry, please. You're not going to lose me, I promise." He quickly leaned forward to envelop Harry into a tight hug.

"I promise. I'm here. For good. I'm not leaving you again. I've done enough mistakes in the past already. Please believe me." He mumbled into Harry's hair, squeezing him tightly.

That made Harry cry even harder. He waited so long to hear Louis say those words, to get some kind of reassurance from him. He hoped so badly that Louis did mean it this time.

"You sure?" He looked up at Louis.

"Yeah, I'm sure." Louis said with a small smile on his face and before Harry could say something else, he felt warm lips pressed against his forehead, lingering there for a few seconds. He closed his eyes and just let himself feel for a moment.

He was starting to get a bit overwhelmed by Louis' affection as of lately, and he wasn't sure if he was going to survive much longer without snapping and doing something stupid like kissing Louis senseless. His heart threatened to burst out of his chest every time Louis was near him or touching him. It hurt not knowing whether there were any feelings on Louis side left or if Harry only was a friend to him. But Harry has always been a masochist when it came to Louis, always taking what he could get and not worrying about himself possibly getting hurt along the way. The only time he was putting his own feelings first, it ended with them breaking up. So yeah. Not happening again.

"Harry?" He was startled out of his trance when he heard Louis' voice.

"What?"

"I asked if you wanted to hang around today? Maybe watch a movie and order some dinner or something? If you don't have any other plans, obviously, that would be totally fine. I can be on my own for one evening, I'm not a child anymore. But yeah, if you want to, you can totally stay here for a bit, I mean. You could even choose what to watch and what we eat, if you want?"

The corner of Harry's mouth turned upwards and he could feel his dimple appearing. Louis was rambling, he was totally rambling. Harry hadn't heard him like that for ages. He was now full on grinning.

"What? Why are you grinning?" Louis seemed almost flustered.

"God, you're cute." _Oops_. He didn't mean to say that out loud. "I mean yeah, I would like to stay if that's okay?" Harry still couldn't wipe the grin off his face.

Apparently that was the right thing to say, because Louis looked at Harry with his lovely blue eyes and smiled beautifully.

"Yeah I would like that. What do you want to do? Pizza and Grease? And maybe another movie after that if you're up for it?" He suggested enthusiastically. And who was Harry to deny him?

"Of course, that sounds lovely."

"Alright, let's start. You take care of the movie, I order the pizza?"

"Yep, like always." Harry couldn't help but grin.

So yeah. They were spending a day together. Without a special reason and especially without one of them crying or getting comforted by the other. Harry was really looking forward to this. He couldn't help but let this tiny spark of hope that he still had inside him grow to a little flame. Not overwhelming but not non-existent. He knew where he was at right now and he was happy with it. As long as he had Louis in his life again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!
> 
> I hope you liked that chapter :)
> 
> The next one will probably take a little longer, I have some exams coming up so I don't know when I will be able to write.
> 
> Thank you for reading!!


	6. It's always been you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't think I would manage, but it seems that writing was a welcome distraction while studying.  
> So there is a new chapter :)  
> I hope you guys like it!!

Louis was nervously waiting for Danielle to arrive. Was he really going to do this just before christmas? But he knew that there was no other choice. The more he had thought about it, he had come to the conclusion that there was nothing keeping them together. He didn't have the feeling that she would be too heartbroken about it either, both of them not having thrown themselves into the relationship head-first, they just liked to spent time with each other. They had a great time, but Louis wasn't ready to take it further, didn't really want to either.

Danielle had planned to come over three days before his birthday, so they could spent a few days together before she flew back on the 25th to spent christmas with her family. Well, now she would be able to go home even earlier.

His phone beeped.

'On my way from the airport. Can't wait to see you babe. xx'

 _Oh god._ This was going to be harder than he thought it would be. It was easy, making that decision when she was an ocean away, but Louis didn't know how he would react when she was stood in front of him. But there was no way out. He just had to pull on his big boy pants and get it over with. No need for unnecessary prolongation.

20 minutes later, the bell rang. Louis walked to the door and opened it, fingers wary and slightly shaking.

Danielle looked good, really good. No wonder there, she was always beautiful, all high cheekbones, big blue-green eyes, that seemed to change color every day, and sinful lips, face framed by long, chocolate colored waves. Louis knew what he had seen in her, who could blame him? But there had always been something missing.

"Hey." He tried to force a smile. Danielle didn't seem to notice anything wrong yet, she kissed him as a greeting and then pulled him into a hug.

"Hi. I've missed you.", she said into his neck. Louis stiffened, he didn't hug her back the way he normally would, but didn't pull away.

When he didn't say anything back, she pulled back to look at him and then immediately frowned upon seeing his face.

"Hey, what's wrong? Are you alright?"

"Yeah, of course. Come in." He tried to hide his inner turmoil. Danielle eyed him warily, but decided to let it slip, because she stepped into the house. Louis took her bags and closed the door behind them, following her to the living room.

"Do you want anything? Tea? Something to eat?"

"Lou, you know I don't drink tea like you British people do," she grinned, "A glass of water would be nice though, thanks."

 _Right_. That was one of their many differences. He awkwardly made his way over to his kitchen and took a bottle of water out of his fridge and grabbed a glass from his cabinet. He set both down on the coffee table when he got back and sat down next to her, leaving a little space between them.

"Okay, tell me what's wrong. You're not acting yourself. Is it about your mum? You know that you can talk to me about everything, right?"

 _Great_. Now he felt bad. He needed to stay focused.

"No, it's not that. I have to talk to you." It was almost in slow motion how he could see her face change into a face of realization.

"Oh." She looked at him, and he knew that it was his turn to talk.

"Yeah. I- uh. I don't think this is going to work anymore." There. He said it. And he felt awful.

Danielle's eyebrows scrunched. "What do you mean?"

"Us. As in together. I really like you, but I don't think I love you like you deserve to be loved. I don't think we're meant to be. Do you?" He tried to at least look into her eyes as he said that, not wanting to be a coward.

"Umm." She seemed to consider it for a moment. "I think I know what you mean. But I really like you. Don't you think we deserve a chance to be more sometime?"

"I'm sorry. No, I don't think so. I'm pretty sure that my feelings are not going to change. You really are a great person, I admire you, and you are so beautiful. But I'm just not in love with you. You deserve someone who can give you everything. I can't. I'm sorry."

Somewhere deep in his mind he recalled using almost the exact words more than four years ago. But this was different. Way different.

"I- uh. Okay, if you think so, Lou. I guess you already made up your mind, anyway. I'm sorry that I couldn't be the one for you. You're a really good guy." Her voice was close to breaking at the end of that, he could hear it.

He didn't even think before he pulled her into a hug, squeezing her tight.

"You're gonna find a good guy that also is able to love you, I'm sure of that. I'm sorry, really." He let a few of his own tears escape into her hair.

When they pulled back, she took his hands in hers.

"Lou, can I ask you something? Please be honest."

Louis didn't know what she was on about.

"Yeah, of course, love. Anything."

She looked into his eyes. "Is this about Harry?"

 _And what?_ Where did that come from?

"What? I- what makes you think that?" He was speechless. Danielle never mentioned something like that to him.

"I- uh... I always wanted to ask you about him, but I guess I was scared of what your answer would be. But now that I don't have anything to lose anymore, would you tell me the truth about you and him?" She looked so sincere and hopeful.

"Uhh... What do you want to know?" He didn't know how their break up turned into talking about Harry.

"Everything, I guess? Or at least what you feel comfortable telling me?"

"You have to be more specific, I guess." Louis really didn't know if he was comfortable talking about Harry to her at all, but he knew that he at least owed her a few truths.

"Okay. Have you been in a relationship with him?" Right to the point, as it seemed.

"Um. Yeah, we were together. About two years."

"When did it start?"

"Right from the beginning, I suppose. We've never had an official date or anything like that, but I liked to think of it as the day of our first kiss."

He remembered that day as if it was yesterday.

  
**_*Flashback October 2010*_**

_"Loouuuu, come on don't be a pussy!" Niall complained, loud enough for the whole X Factor house to hear. They were playing 'spin the bottle' and it was his turn. He was stupid enough to choose 'dare' and now he had to kiss Cher. It was not that he would be disgusted by kissing her, she was a very cute girl, and he wasn't a coward either. No, he just didn't really want to do it in front of Harry. He didn't even know why, he just knew that it wouldn't feel right. But he also knew that it would cause a scene if he chose not to kiss her, so with a small glance at Harry, who didn't show anything on his face, he crawled to meet her halfway into the circle and pushed a quick kiss onto her lips._

_"There, done. Happy?" He didn't mean to sound so angry, but he couldn't help it, he just hoped nobody would call him out on it. He went back onto his place and it was his turn to spin the bottle._

_After a few rounds, it was Harry's turn and of course he had chosen 'dare' as well._

_"Mhhh. We have to make this a good one, what do you think?" Katie grinned, asking the group._

_They all seemed to think about it for a moment until Aiden blurted out "You have to kiss one of your bandmates."_

_There were a few seconds of stunned silence, and then everyone erupted into loud cheers. Literally everyone but Louis. He was too shocked that anyone would even suggest something like that. Sure, he was no prude and he knew that something like that was normal with playing that game, but he just couldn't wrap his head around it._

_And the worst thing was, Harry only grinned and said "Alright, which one should it be?". Okay. Apparently he didn't have any problem with it._

_"You choose for yourself.", Katie decided._

_"Alright, then." Harry went into the middle of the circle, sitting back on his feet and looked at each of his bandmates for a second. Louis was sure he stopped breathing. He didn't know how to feel, his emotions were all over the place._

_After a moment of consideration and a quick glance at Louis, Harry smirked and then smacked a loud kiss onto Zayn's lips. He grinned as he pulled back, apparently satisfied and then went back to his spot, sending a wink in Zayn's direction. Everyone cheered again, along with a few comments like 'get it Harry' and 'steaaamy'._

_But Louis wasn't cheery at all. No, he was kind of seething, really. He really had to keep himself from pushing Zayn away from Harry as they kissed, and he would gladly tell him that right now. And hold on - Louis knew that feeling. That ugly, flaming feeling inside himself, that threatened to overtake him. But no, that couldn't be. He couldn't be jealous. What would he even be jealous of? His best mate snogging another man shouldn't make him jealous. Unfortunately for Louis, it apparently did._

_After another few rounds, he finally had enough. He didn't want to pretend like everything was fine anymore, so he muttered an excuse and got up, heading to their room. He hoped to have a little time on his own to sort through the mess that was inside his head._

_But luck didn't seem to be on his side, because not five minutes after he buried himself under his covers, he heard someone opening the door and stepping into the room. He didn't look up, but he did have a suspicion as to who it might be. His suspicion was confirmed, when he felt a weight settle down on his mattress, next to his hips and before he could think, there was a body curled around him._

_"Lou? What's wrong?" Harry whispered into his ear, sneaking his arms around Louis' waist and holding him tight. And no. That wasn't going to help Louis at all._

_"Nothing." He mumbled into his pillow, but he knew that Harry wasn't about to let him get away with it that easily._

_"You can't fool me, Lou. You've haven't been yourself since we started playing 'spin the bottle' down there. What happened? Did you not want to kiss Cher?"_

_Louis snorted. "Yeah. As if. And even if that would have been the case, why would that make me miserable?" He should have kept his mouth shut._

_"I don't know? Maybe you're still hung up after Hannah?"_

_At that Louis almost had to laugh out loud. That was so far from the truth. He hadn't even spared a thought for Hannah in that way for a few weeks now. No offence._

_"Definitely not, Harry."_

_"What was it then? Something made you really mad, the way you acted down there." Then he suddenly could see Harry's face change from curious to alarmed, as if he just had an idea._

_"Was it me and Zayn?" He asked so quietly Louis almost couldn't hear it. "Did you - are you not okay with that? Me- I mean..." He seemed to search for words, and Louis wasn't really aware of what he wanted to say just yet. "Does it bother you? Two boys kissing?" And oh. God, Harry thought that Louis might be homophobic._

_"Nooo, Jesus Harry, no. Why would you think that? That's not it. I don't have anything against that, okay? It wouldn't bother me if you or someone else were gay or bi or whatever, please believe me." Louis turned around to face Harry, who searched for his eyes with his own immediately. He seemed to search for something, so Louis let him look at him for a few seconds._

_"Okay." Harry finally said. "Good. That is good." Louis could sense that Harry wasn't quite done, so he gave him time to finish his thoughts._

_"That's good." Harry said again. "Because I am." Huh? "Gay." Oh._

_Oh._

_Now that was unexpected. Louis didn't know what to say._

_"Is that okay?" Harry seemed unsure, wary even, eyes trying to estimate Louis' reaction. And that was not how it should be._

_"Yes. Of course it is, Haz. I meant it. You're still you. Come here." And with that he pulled Harry into his arms, the need to be close to the other boy just too overwhelming._

_Harry sagged into his body, relief speaking from his every bone. He hugged Louis close, squeezing him. "Thank you. You're the first person I told this."_

_Louis pulled back a bit. "What? What about your mum?"_

_"She doesn't know yet. I've just recently figured it out myself, really. So yeah, you're the first, I guess."_

_Louis had to pull him close again. "I'm honored that you trusted me with this. I promise I'm not going to let you down. You mean so much to me, you know that?"_

_"I know that. But thank you. And you obviously mean so much to me too. You don't even know."_

_They laid there for a few more minutes, entangled into each other, Harry's head on Louis' chest. But then Harry spoke up again._

_"Lou?"_

_"Hm?"_

_"Why were you mad when I kissed Zayn?"_

_Louis slowly let out an exhale. This was it. It was now or never. He trusted Harry._

_So maybe because Harry had already started with the whole 'sharing secrets' thing, or maybe just because he couldn't hold it in any longer, he decided to share his as well._

_"Because I wanted you to kiss me instead."_

_Then there was silence. Louis heart was beating up to his throat, threatening to burst and Harry didn't say anything. Not a peep._

_"Haz?" Louis tried after a minute of silence. Nothing._

_He was starting to feel the beginnings of panic crawl up his insides, so he tried again. "Haz? Say something?"_

_But he still didn't answer._

_"Please?" Louis felt his throat starting to constrict, he really wouldn't be able to handle Harry not taking it well. He didn't even know what he wanted from him, but it definitely wasn't nothing._

_Then he felt the tiniest movement on his chest. He looked down to see that Harry moved his head up a little bit, so that he was able to look at Louis._

_Christ, he was beautiful._

_Louis couldn't take it anymore. "Haz, please say something. I'm going crazy here. I don't need you to like me back that way, I'm fine being just your friend, but please, please don't ignore me. I wouldn't be ab-"_

_He was cut off mid sentence by a pair of lips. Harry's lips. He gasped in shock, not knowing what to do, but Harry decided for him when he pushed his lips even harder against Louis' now slightly opened mouth. And Louis couldn't think straight. He just instinctively grabbed Harry's face with both hands and kissed him back with all he had. It was messy, uncoordinated, needy and too passionate for a first kiss, but it was so, so damn good. Louis felt himself coming to life with that kiss, a spark that was igniting little fires all over his body._

_They eventually had to pull away from each other to get some air into their lungs. But they didn't move far away, pushing their foreheads against the other's._

_"Wow." Harry said breathlessly. Yeah, exactly what Louis thought._

_"Yeah."_

_"What just happened?" Harry asked, his fingers coming up to caress Louis' cheekbone._

_"You kissed me." Louis concluded, a grin appearing on his face, his own hands still holding onto Harry's head, tangled in his hair._

_"Yeah, I guess I did." Harry chuckled._

_  
***End Flashback***_

And that was it. Even though they were so young and inexperienced, Louis never had a first kiss as good as that one again.

Danielle looked at him for a minute, analyzing him.

"You were really in love with him, weren't you?"

"Yeah. Head over heels." _No need to hide anymore_.

"Why did it end?"

"Because I was the stupidest son of a bitch that ever existed." _That's an understatement._

"What happened?"

"Well, long story short - I thought that our image was more important than our relationship. So I let him go." _The biggest mistake of my life._

"I'm sorry."

"Not your fault. But yeah, me too."

"Do you think you could work it out again?"

"Don't know. I really hurt him bad. He would be crazy to just forgive me." _I hope so with all of my heart._

"You still love him." She said that with so much conviction, no doubt in her words, that he didn't even try to hide it.

Louis looked at her for a moment. She didn't seem to mind talking to Louis about his love live just moments after him breaking up with her.

"I love you, you know that? I'm really lucky to know you." Maybe that wasn't really an appropriate thing to say, but Louis really needed her to know how much he appreciated her.

"I love you too. But I guess your heart always belonged to someone else, didn't it?" She said with a sad look in her eyes, but Louis knew that it came from the right place.

"Yeah, I guess so. I'm sorry." He felt tears prickle in his eyes again.

"Not your fault. I just can't compete with true love. But it's alright, Lou. I just hope it works out for the both of you. I really think you're going to get it right. Please don't fuck it up this time." She chuckled fondly. And Louis just had to take her into his arms again.

"Thank you. So much." He kissed the top of her head and then let her go.

He accompanied her to the front door, after both of them decided that it would be easier to just part ways then.

She hugged him close again as she was about to go and whispered into his ear.

"You know that he is totally in love with you still? Everyone with eyes can see that. Go get him! Make it right."

And before he had a chance to answer, she was out the door and probably also out of his life. At least for the most of it, he assumed.

  
~~~

  
It was Christmas Eve, and therefore also Louis' birthday. Quarter of a century... God, he was getting old. He was in Doncaster, with Dan and his sisters and the twins. It had been a weird day, they all didn't really know how to feel and what to do with themselves. Somehow, it didn't feel like Christmas at all. Not without the one person that had made this house a home for everyone. They have all shed a few tears over the day, or maybe a lot, Louis didn't really know. They were spread all over the sofa, watching 'Elf', when Louis' phone rang. He looked at the display and seeing it was Harry, he excused himself and walked into his room.

"Hey, Haz."

"Happy birthday to Louuu, happy birthday to Louuu, happy birthday dear Louuu, happy birthday to Louuu!" came Harry's lovely voice through the phone. Louis couldn't help but let a fat grin set on his face. He could always trust Harry to make him smile, no matter how sad he was.

"Thank you!" Louis breathed.

"Happy birthday, love. I hope your day was alright? How are you holding up?" He could also always trust Harry to know exactly what was going on inside his head.

"Yeah, it was alright, I guess. I don't really know how to feel, to be honest. It just doesn't feel real without her there. I don't really feel like it's my birthday at all."

"I can imagine. Are you with the rest of your family? I hope you can find strength in each other. You deserve a happy christmas, all of you. Your mum wouldn't want you to be sad, you know that?"

"Yeah, I know. But it's just really, really hard. Especially with Doris and Ernest, I hate when they ask about mum. I don't have any idea how to explain death to two-year-olds."

He remembers the first time they asked him where their mum was. He was frozen for a moment, not knowing how to deal with them. Fortunately, Dan was there as well and he sensed that Louis wasn't able to answer anything and distracted them, so that Louis could pull himself together.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could do something to make it better, to help you. I promised your mum that I wouldn't let you cope with it on your own."

"You promised her? When was that?" That was the first time that Louis heard about this. He didn't know what to think about his mum speaking to Harry about Louis.

"I- uh. Umm. When you took me to the hospital to see her for the first time? She sent you out for a moment I think? She just said that she knew that you were going to try to be strong enough for everyone, and she asked me to help you being strong for yourself as well. And I promised her. So yeah. Please tell me if you need anything, okay?"

Louis was speechless. But that sounded so much like his mum. And of course she would pick Harry to do it. After all, she was still the one that knew Louis best. Well maybe, second best. Christ, how did he manage to live without Harry for so long? He didn't really remember.

"Would you maybe come here?" He didn't even realize that it was him that said that, until neither of them said anything for a few seconds.

"I mean - ignore what I said. I don't want you to leave your family for christmas just because I'm a bit down."

"Lou - "

"That would be ridiculous, don't do that."

"Lou."

"You've helped me so much over the last few months, you deserve some Louis-free time. You probably are glad to be away from me for a while."

"LOUIS!"

"What?" Louis stopped his rant, realizing that Harry wanted to say something.

"Stop rambling. If you need me, I will come. Just like that, you understand? No matter when and how far I'm away."

"Just like that." Louis repeated, not really getting it just yet.

"So do you need me?" Harry asked.

"I- uh... You don't have to."

"Louis."

"Yeah, I need you."

"Alright. I will be there in about two hours."

"Thanks. Drive safe."

He tried not to freak out. Harry had just dropped everything and was willing to drive two hours just to be there for him. Louis felt guilty, he didn't deserve someone like that.

But there was also that tiny sparkling of hope inside of him, that wanted Danielle's words to be true. Maybe she was right and Harry still loved him. But no matter what, Louis promised himself that he would never allow Harry to not be in his life again.

  
~~~

  
It was now half past eleven in the evening and everyone did go to sleep not long ago. Everyone but Louis, he was sitting on his bed, nervously biting at his nails and the skin around them, heart beating fast as if he would have just finished a football match. Harry was going to arrive any minute now and           Louis didn't know how to feel about it. He knew that he was only minutes away from a panic attack, so he really needed Harry there. But he was afraid of how he would react to Harry being there. His heart ached for Harry, to be near him again and just to forget the past and move on. But he was also afraid of Harry rejecting him. He knew he wouldn't be able to handle that. It was a curse, really.

He almost fell off the bed because of the startle that his phone gave him when it beeped. It was a text from Harry.

_'I'm Outside'_

Louis took a few seconds to collect himself and then went downstairs to open the door.

"Hey Harry. Thanks for coming." He tried to smile, but based on Harry's facial expressions, he hadn't really succeeded. 

"Anytime, Lou. Are you coming?" Louis realized, that Harry already made his way into the house and was on his way to the stairs. No awkward conversation in the doorway then, Louis was relieved.

He closed the door and followed Harry up to his bedroom. Harry knew this house like his own home, after all. When they were inside the room, Harry immediately got rid of his shoes and jacket, trousers and shirt following after. Louis just stood there, flabbergasted and had to really force himself to not ogle Harry's body as it was presented to him right there.

"Lou?" Harry brought him out of his daze.

"Hm?" He looked up into Harry's expectant eyes.

"Let's go to sleep, alright? We can talk tomorrow." And yeah. Trust Harry to always know what Louis needs. Louis didn't say anything, just got rid of his own clothes. Just as he was about to walk towards his bed, he caught sight of the shirt that Harry had discarded a minute ago. Without even thinking, he picked it up and threw it over himself. Feeling the soft material between his fingers and taking in the familiar smell of Harry's cologne and just Harry himself, he instantly felt himself relax a bit. That violet sweater had always been one of his favorites. He briefly wondered if Harry had remembered and wore it on purpose, or if it was just a coincidence. But when he looked up again, the loving smile Harry gave him told him everything he needed to know.

"Come here, Lou. Let's sleep." Harry was already on the bed, pulling the covers back to make room for himself and Louis. He sent Harry a small smile back and immediately cuddled into his chest, hugging himself close. Harry just threw the covers over both of them and squeezed Louis tight to his body, one hand carding through his hair. Louis couldn't help but think that this felt right. No matter what was going on in his life, he would always feel right at home in Harry's arms.

"Thank you." He croaked, voice already laced with tears. _Fuck_. He didn't plan on crying.

"Shh. Don't have to thank me. I want to be here, okay? Just try to sleep, love. Happy birthday." He felt Harry kiss the top of his head.

Louis nuzzled his face into Harry's neck to stop his crying and try to pull himself together. He let himself slowly relax in Harry's hold and soon felt the reins of sleep drawing him in and pulling him under.


	7. Finally getting it right

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys,
> 
> sorry, it took me so long, but I've just finished all my exams. So here is the new chapter, which will also be the last one, as it turned out. 
> 
> Thank you all so much for reading!

Harry couldn't sleep. He laid there, with Louis laying half on top of him, head on his chest and snuggling into his neck. Harry had a tight grip around his back and couldn't get himself to loosen it. When Louis had called him last night, he didn't even have to think about what he would do. He could hear it in Louis' voice, could hear that he wasn't far away from breaking down. And now here, with Louis in his arms, he couldn't help to think about how right this felt. He didn't know how he managed to live without Louis in his life for so long.

When Louis had texted him a few days ago, that he and Danielle had broken up, Harry couldn't help but be relieved. He knew why, obviously. And Louis did tell him that he wanted to break up with her, so Harry didn't even have to pretend to be shocked about it. He just texted Louis back 'are you okay?' and after receiving an answer from Louis 'yeah. she took it really well. I feel lighter now, somehow.', he was really happy for him. And maybe also for himself.

He tried not to let himself hope too much, to save himself from another possible heartbreak, but he also knew, that he already was in far too deep again. He knew that he wouldn't be satisfied with Louis only as a friend, no matter how close they are. He needed him in every way. Maybe he was selfish, but he couldn't help it. It was Louis, after all.    

 

~~~

 

When Harry woke up, he was alone in Louis' bed and panicked for a moment, until he heard soft voices talking downstairs, one of them definitely Louis', the other one most probably Lottie's. He couldn't get himself to get up right away, so he snuggled into the pillow, pulling the duvet up to his neck. The bedding smelled so much like Louis, what was really not helping Harry to keep his cool. He grabbed Louis' pillow and held it in his arms, cuddling it close to his front, as some kind of compensation for Louis' missing body.

He must have drifted off again because the next thing he noticed, was the mattress dipping behind him and someone softly stroking his hair.

"Mhhrpf," he tried to get his body to work, stretching his limbs slightly, as well as pushing into the touch at the same time.

"Morning, gorgeous. Did you sleep well?" Louis asked.

Harry's heart started beating a little faster hearing that nickname, only Louis had ever called him that. He turned around, rubbing his eyes to get the sleep out of them and then blinked them open to look at Louis, who was still wearing Harry's sweater.

"Yeah, I did."

Louis' answering smile was radiating, he seemed to be in a good mood this morning.

"I'm glad. I'm sorry about dragging you here so later yesterday. But I really like to have you here, I'm not gonna lie." Louis seemed a bit embarrassed, and no, Harry couldn't have that.

"No, Lou. As I said yesterday, there's nowhere else I'd rather be. If you need me, I will be there. You know that. I like being here. I like being with you." Harry hoped he didn't give too much away with those words, but he really needed Louis to get it.

"Okay. Thank you. I like you being here, too." Louis smiled.

"Come on, lay down with me for a little longer. Or do you have to be anywhere?" Harry asked, pulling the duvet up and opening some space for Louis.

"No, I don't. Alright." Louis grinned and stripped his bottoms and Harry's jumper off, joining Harry under the duvet.

He immediately got himself into the same position they were last night and slipped a leg between Harry's. For a few minutes, they just laid there, breathing evenly, unconsciously matching their breaths. Harry covered Louis' hand that was on Harry's chest with his own, intertwining their fingers, and his other hand was drawing slow circles on Louis' back, occasionally brushing through the hair on Louis' neck.

Neither of them seemed to be wanting to sleep again, so after a few minutes, Harry decided to speak up.

"How are you, love?" He asked while brushing his lips over Louis' forehead.

He felt Louis stiffening for a second before he relaxed again. He seemed to consider that question for quite a while before he apparently settled on an answer.

"I really want to lie and say that I'm okay, but I know that you would see right through that," he mumbled, squeezing Harry's hand that was still intertwined with his own. Harry chuckled, squeezing back.

"So yeah, I'm not really okay. I mean, I knew that she was going to die for a while, but still. It's so hard without her. I can see how much everyone misses her, especially the kids. It's just not fucking fair." He seemed to be done with talking, for now, nuzzling his face further into Harry's neck.

"I'm sorry. I wish I could do something to make it better. All I can say is that I'm here for you whenever you need me, okay? And the boys as well. You're so strong, Lou. I really admire you for that."

"Thank you, Haz. You being here has really helped me a lot, you know that? You always manage to calm me down. And I feel so safe with you, like, for example right now, when you hold me like that, I feel so much stronger. So, thank you. So much." Louis let go of Harry's hand in favor to bring both his hands between Harry's back and the mattress, crossing over his shoulder blades and hugging Harry impossibly closer, almost lying fully on top of him.

Harry's heart clenched. He couldn't do anything but bring his own arms up to Louis back and head and hold him tight, their bodies melting together.

"Oh, Lou. I promise I'm not going anywhere." Harry whispered, pressing light kisses all over the parts of Louis' head that he could reach.

Again, they just laid there for a few minutes, holding each other.

"I'm so glad to have you back," Louis suddenly mumbled into Harry's neck. "I'm so sorry that I was such a dick to you. I don't want you not being in my life anymore. I don't think I could handle it. I don't know how I managed over these last years, to be honest."

Harry felt immensely relieved with hearing that, at least he wasn't the only one to feel that way. And he knew that he had to let Louis know that he wasn't going anywhere, that they were in it together. Like they should have been all along.

"I love having you in my life again, too, Lou. You don't even know how much I've missed you. It's like you were there but also not at the same time. Maybe I should have fought harder for us. I shouldn't have given you the ultimatum, I knew you weren't ready to come out. I'm so sorry."

He felt Louis shifting, leaning up and pushing his weight onto his forearms. He grabbed Harry's face in his hands and made him look at Louis.

"No, Harry. Don't you dare blame yourself for this. I was the one who walked away. I was the one who was a scared shithead that cared more about his own image. No, scratch that. I didn't care more about my image, I just took you for granted. I didn't think that I would ever lose you." Harry already felt tears start to build in his eyes, as Louis continued. "I didn't think you would go through with it because I was too busy with my own problems to realize how much our situation hurt you as well. I'm so, so sorry. That was the biggest mistake of my life, you have to believe me. This was not your fault at all."

And that was it. Harry felt tears running down his face, he was so overwhelmed that he didn't know what to say. He waited so long for Louis to say something like that, to apologize. He felt Louis thumbs trying to wipe away his tears, but he didn't succeed very well, there were just too many.

"Why are you crying, love?" Louis asked with tears in his own eyes, looking at Harry worriedly.

"You don't know how long I've waited for you to say that. I love you so much." _Shit_. He didn't actually plan to say that second sentence out loud. He tried to turn his face away, feeling ugly sobs already building up in his throat.

"Hey, hey. Harry. Look at me. Please." Louis used his hands that were still holding onto Harry's head to make him face him again, but Harry still averted his gaze, swallowing heavily. "Harry. Haz. Please. Look at me, love."

Harry slowly opened his eyes, cautious of what he might see. But the look on Louis' face was not what he expected at all. He expected maybe surprise, or indifference, or even pity. But Louis' face held a beautiful smile, a small one, but it was enough to meet his eyes, his blue eyes that held so much love. Harry knew that expression, he has been on the receiving end of it so many, many times when they were still together. He couldn't help but let out a relieved sob.

Louis let his forehead fall onto Harry's, still tightly holding his face, stroking over Harry's cheekbones with his thumbs.

"I love you, too, Haz. So much. Always have. There could never have been someone else. I've realized that now. I'm sorry it took me so long."

And before Harry could fully comprehend his words, Louis exhaled shakily and then finally closed the distance between them, pressing their mouths together desperately.

Nothing could have prepared Harry for how it felt to finally feel those lips on his again. It was electric, it was fireworks, it was everything at once. He let out a surprised gasp, but immediately brought his own hands up to Louis' head and waist to pull him closer, closer, closer. He parted his lips to grant Louis' tongue entrance into his mouth, meeting him there with his own tongue. They kissed roughly at first, both trying to get the most out of each other, trying not to miss anything. Harry felt Louis heart beating rapidly, his own threatening to burst out of his chest. He didn't know if he had ever felt that much need, that much want. They both moaned as their groins aligned, but they were too busy with kissing and licking into each other's mouths to pay attention to anything else. After kissing furiously for a few minutes, they eventually slowed down, not parting but relaxing with the knowledge that the other wanted this as much as themselves. Harry tried to learn every inch of Louis' mouth again, slowly memorizing everything he could reach. He had both hands tangled into Louis' hair eventually, keeping his head from going too far away. His legs were tightly holding onto Louis' waist, his ankles crossing over Louis' bum.

"I love you." Harry moaned, as Louis eventually parted from his lips to press wet, sucking kisses to his jawline, and down his neck. He bit lightly at Harry's collarbones, tongue soothingly swiping over it afterward. Harry couldn't help but let out a moan at that.

"Ooh, god Lou." He felt his cock already throbbing, only a thin layer of underwear between them. He needed Louis to do something, anything.

"I love you too, so much," Louis groaned, attacking Harry's lips again. They kissed again for a little while, slowly grinding their hips together, electricity running through Harry's veins with each time their cocks touched through their boxers.

"Lou, please." Harry wasn't able to form any coherent thoughts, let alone words. So he settled with what he hoped Louis would understand immediately.

"What do you need, Haz?" Louis mumbled, from where he was busy licking and biting Harry's chest.

"I - uungghh. Louu," Harry moaned as Louis apparently found his nipple and immediately got to business.

"Yeah? What do you need? Speak to me, love." Ugh. Louis was such a tease. Harry tried to get his thoughts in order, trying to focus on his mouth forming words.

"Need you." That wasn't so bad, was it?

"Yeah? What do you need me for?" Louis teased further, inching closer to Harry's nipple.

"Louu, please. Just, I-" Why was this so hard? "Need you to touch me, please."

"Good boy. Wasn't so hard, was it?" Louis smirked, coming up to kiss Harry again. Harry just groaned, grabbing onto his back, trying to keep him there for a bit. Louis' hands wandered all over Harry's body, grabbing and squeezing and occasionally scratching lightly. Harry was in heaven. Then Louis hand suddenly was on his cock, cupping him through his boxers.

"Ooooh, god yes, please." Okay. _Now_ he was in heaven. He pushed his hips upwards into Louis' palm, trying to get as much pressure as he could. Louis seemed to be done teasing, fitting his fingers under Harry's boxers, brushing over his skin as he pulled them down with one hand, the other circling Harry's nipple with thumb and index finger.             As soon as he got Harry's cock free, his hand was on him again, circling the base at first, before slowly palming him.

"That what you wanted?" Louis asked into Harry's mouth, where he was still kissing him, open mouths panting and teeth colliding, but it was so, so perfect.       

"Louuu," Harry moaned, squeezing his thighs together to grip Louis' bum and pull him closer towards him. "Please, more."

"You need more?" Louis asked, but at the same time already ground his hips down to connect their groins again, and Harry was noticing that he was still wearing his briefs. He desperately tried to use his heels and toes to push them down and was close to succeeding, when Louis got impatient and pulled them over his bum and then fully off his legs. They both let out loud groans when their hard cocks met skin to skin, grinding and rubbing them against each other.

"I love you." Louis panted into Harry's mouth. Harry's heart skipped a beat. He would never get tired of hearing Louis say those words again.

"Love you too. Fuck me, please." Harry pleaded, grabbing Louis' hair to pull his head back and look him in the eyes. Louis' eyes were wide as they looked at Harry, at some trace of a lie in those words, but he wouldn't be able to find one. Harry never has never been surer of anything than he was right now. He needed Louis to fuck him. He needed Louis to make love to him again. He needed Louis and him to be one again.

Whatever it was Louis searched for, he didn't find it, so he just asked Harry, "are you sure?", and all Harry could do was nod frantically. He was more than sure.

"Alright. Wait here. Be right back." Before Harry could react, Louis was up and off of him and darting towards his bathroom. Harry couldn't refrain from looking after him, ogling his bum as it was presented him so beautifully. He couldn't believe what was going to happen. He didn't know how many times he had hoped for that moment, dreamed about that moment. But all those imaginations were pale in comparison to how it felt to have Louis there with him in the flesh. For real. Harry couldn't be happier if he tried.

He felt the bed dip beside him, which pulled him out of his thoughts. He took a moment to really take it all in. Louis was there beside him, naked, ready for what Harry knew would definitely going to be some of the best sex they ever had. He felt a tear slip out of his eyes and run down his cheek, but he couldn't help it. This was all he ever wanted.

"You alright there, love?" Louis asked with worry on his face.

"Yeah, m'alright. Happy tears." Was all Harry could say, but Louis seemed to understand, as he softly wiped the tear away and then settled between Harry's legs again. He looked at Harry for a second, before he connected their lips.

This kiss was nothing like the ones before. It wasn't furious, it wasn't impatient, it wasn't deep and open. But it was one of the most loving kisses Harry ever had. It was passionate, it was sincere and so full of every feeling they couldn't put into words.

"I love you so much." Harry croaked, tears already in his eyes again. "Make love to me, please."

"I love you, too. And I will." Louis smacked one last kiss on Harry's lips before he pushed himself up to get the lube. He settled his bum on his heels, kneeling between Harry's legs.

"Open up for me, love." Harry did as told and opened his legs, pulling his knees towards his chest, revealing his hole to Louis.

"God, you're beautiful. So, so beautiful." Louis talked half to Harry and half to himself, focusing on Harry's hole. He pressed kisses all over Harry's thighs, sucking and biting, to distract him a bit. Harry let out a loud moan when he felt Louis wet fingers prodding at his entrance, circling around it and putting a little pressure on it.

"Ready?" Louis asked.

"Yes. Yes. Please, Lou." Harry wouldn't be able to wait much longer, he already was on the edge for what felt like hours. Louis indulged him and slowly pushed his middle finger inside him.

"God, you're tight." Harry almost wanted to roll his eyes, because of course, he was. Hadn't had something inside him beside his own fingers for more than four years now. But _oh_. Louis didn't know that. Harry could only moan at that thought while Louis was rubbing his finger against his walls, feeling around, sliding in and out of him. Not long after, Louis' index finger joined his middle one inside Harry, making him cry out because he didn't expect it so soon. But he should have expected it, it was Louis after all, he knew how to make Harry squirm. He scissored his fingers inside Harry, stretching his walls to make room for more. After a few second, he brushed Harry's prostate and Harry cried out, his back curling and pushing into the touch. He moved his hips to fuck back on Louis' fingers, chasing that feeling again. Louis angled his fingers so that they were brushing Harry's prostate almost on every stroke, and sometimes he would stay for a second and massage it lightly.

"Another, please." Harry grunted, already lost in the feeling.

"You sure?" Louis asked, rubbing his ring finger around Harry's entrance, a sign of what's to come.

"Yeah. Need it, Lou. Please." Harry was not above begging, he really wasn't.

Louis then slipped his third finger inside him, fucking them in and out of Harry's hole, still brushing his prostate every now and then. He leaned up to kiss Harry, their tongues already meeting outside their mouths, desperate and willing.

"I'm ready. Lou. Need you." Harry felt himself nearing the edge and he didn't want to come before Louis was inside of him.

"God. Okay." Louis pulled back to fumble with the condom packet, slippery fingers making the task quite difficult.

"Let me, Lou." Harry said and reached for the packet, ripping it open. He looked at Louis and then sat up a bit to slip it on Louis' cock, his heart beating heavily and his fingers shaking.

"You alright, love? Are you sure you want to do this?" Louis seemed to have picked up on Harry's nerves.

"Yeah. I'm good. Just. Be careful, please? It's been a long time for me." He could practically see the wheels turning inside Louis' head, as he was trying to make out what Harry meant by that.

"What do you mean? Since you've been fucked?" _Okay_. Way to be blunt.

"I- umm. Yeah." He didn't know what else to say, feeling himself blush. Louis still looked at him, eyebrows raised a bit.

"How long?" _Shit_. He had hoped Louis wouldn't ask that.

"Uh. Like - more than four years?" He knew he had to tell Louis the truth, but it still didn't make it any easier to admit.

"What?" Louis' eyes almost bulged out of his head and his mouth hung open. "Does that mean that -" He interrupted himself, hands gripping onto Harry's face, looking at him. "You didn't have sex with anyone since we broke up?" Harry almost had to laugh at Louis' expression, wonder mixed with surprise and a little bit of disbelief.

"Uh, no, I did have sex." He admitted, and Louis' changed again, he was confused now, rightfully. "I just didn't want anyone to fuck me. I just couldn't."

"But you love getting fucked." Harry had to let out a chuckle at Louis' skeptic look.

"But only by someone I love. As in _you_." He waited for Louis to say something but was only met with silence. He seemed to be lost somewhere in his mind, looking at some point on Harry's face he couldn't decipher.

"Lou?" Harry tried.

The next thing he noticed was something wet dripping on his stomach. He looked up to see that there were silent tears making their way down Louis' cheeks.

"Lou, what's wrong?" Harry hoped he didn't mess it all up. But then Louis snapped out of it and kissed Harry roughly.

"I don't deserve you. God, Harry. I love you so much. I'll be careful, I promise." With that, he pushed Harry on his back again and settled between his legs, the tip of his cock brushing against Harry's entrance.

"Ready for me, gorgeous?" Harry didn't need to think about it twice.

"Yes. I love you too, Lou. Please."

The air was knocked out of Harry's lungs as Louis slowly pushed in. Louis' cock was big, but thankfully his fingers prepped Harry well enough to be able to take Louis in without it being too painful, the stretch burning in all the right ways. When Louis was all the way inside, he stopped for a moment, leaning up to kiss Harry tenderly, stroking his cheeks.

"You're so good for me, love. Taking me so well." Louis praised him.

"Move?" Harry wasn't able to form any other words, but Louis didn't need him to. He slowly pulled out a few inches and then back in again, gaining speed with every thrust. Not long after, he was steadily fucking Harry with fast thrusts, Harry couldn't do anything but lay there and take it, hands tightly gripping onto Louis' back, nails digging into his skin. He moaned out loud at a particularly well-aimed thrust from Louis, directly into his prostate.

"Yeah, Louu. Right there. _Goood_. Please don't stop!" He cried, trying to meet Louis' thrusts with his hips. Louis grunted, increasing his efforts, gaining speed and pushing Harry's legs further towards his chest to get the angle right. And oh boy did he get it right. He hit Harry's prostate beautifully on every outstroke, making Harry quite literally seeing stars.

"Yes, yes, yes. Don't fucking stop!" Harry could feel he was really close to the edge, he only needed a tiny bit more. Not wanting to touch himself, he pulled Louis' face towards himself and kissed him, Louis moaning brokenly inside his mouth.

"God, Haz, you're perfect. I'm so close." Louis increased his speed again, thrusts getting sloppy with nearing his own release, but it was enough to push Harry over the edge. His insides were burning, he felt his whole body shaking with his orgasm. He let out a strangled shout and came all over his stomach and chest, cock red and pulsing. His orgasm made his hole constricting around Louis, who was still fucking into him, which seemed to push him over the edge as well. He pushed all the way into Harry and then stayed there, moaning Harry's name and collapsing onto Harry's body, still pulsing into the condom inside of him.

They were both in a state of bliss, trying to catch their breaths, chests expanding with every inhale. Louis started pressing little kisses all over Harry's face, neck, chest and onto his lips. He was starting to move, trying to pull out, but Harry's legs held him in place, arms tightening around his shoulders.

"Stay. Don't pull out yet, please. I need to feel you just a little longer." Harry whispered, too exhausted to speak. He wasn't ready to let go of Louis just yet, even though pulling out would hurt more the longer they waited. But Harry didn't care.

"Okay." Louis agreed, kissing Harry again. "That was so good. I don't think we had much sex better than that. You were so good, Harry." Harry felt himself blushing at Louis' praise.

"It was. I can't even feel my legs anymore." Harry joked, but it was true, his legs felt like jelly.

"I'm going to pull out now, okay? I don't want to hurt you." Harry nodded, albeit reluctantly, but he knew Louis was right. He winced a little bit, but the remnants of his orgasm were still flooding through his body, so he didn't mind too much. Louis tied up the condom and then stood up, veering away from the bed. Harry just closed his eyes and let himself wallow in his post-orgasmic state. He jostled a bit when he felt a warm, wet cloth cleaning him up, but didn't open his eyes, lips curling upwards to form what he thought resembled a dopey smile.

He only opened them again, when he felt the bed dipping beside him, turning his head so he could look at Louis.

"You back with me?" Louis grinned, giving him a small kiss.

"Never was away. Just enjoying the feeling." Harry smiled back at him. Louis laid on his back and held the arm on Harry's side out invitingly.

"Come here, love." Harry rolled onto his side, shuffling closer to Louis. He laid his head on Louis' chest, hugging him close with his arm around Louis' upper body.

"Mhh, cuddles." Harry swooned, pressing a small kiss to the '78' tattoo. Louis brought one hand up to stroke through Harry's short hair, scratching lightly at his scalp, just as he knew Harry liked it. Harry was slowly drifting off, with Louis' hand in his hair and Louis' heart beating steadily under his ear.

"Haz? You there?" Louis asked silently.

"Mhh." Harry confirmed.

"I love you." Louis told him, pressing a kiss into his hair, lingering a bit.

"Mhm." Harry hoped that Louis would get the message anyways.

_I love you, too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, that's it :)
> 
> I really didn't plan to make them give in so soon, but I guess I couldn't help myself :D
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> If you want me to do an epilog, let me know, maybe I will do that sometime :)


	8. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> So here is the epilogue :) I really wanted to write one, to clear up some things and mostly just because I hate open ends myself :D  
> Thank you so much for reading, and thank you to everyone who left kudos or wrote a comment, you are all so lovely!!  
> I hope you will like it.
> 
> Bye for now :)

"Harry, hurry up!", Louis called from downstairs, "Come on, even a two and a half-year-old child is faster than you, and he almost dressed himself!" Harry could hear the teasing tone in Louis' voice but it was not enough to cover the fond that came with Louis' words. Harry always took too long, in Louis' opinion.

He finished the last touch on his curls, they were long enough to almost touch his shoulder again, and he loved it. As did Louis, considering the way he still didn't pass up a chance to touch Harry's curls in any way.

Harry made his way downstairs to where Louis was already waiting with Freddie. The both of them were matching, each of them wearing a pair of short, pale blue jeans paired with a blue t-shirt that had a big white Adidas logo in the front. They were also wearing the matching all black vans that Harry bought them last week. He couldn't help but smile widely at the sight of them.

"I'm ready now," He grinned at Louis, giving him a small kiss, "You two are ridiculous."

"We are cute and manly, that's what we are, Harry. Right, Freddie?" Louis held his fist out for Freddie to bump, which he enthusiastically did while grinning and nodding affirmatively. Harry loved the relationship between Louis and his son, and he was immensely glad that Louis and Brianna had come to a mutual agreement in the end. Louis had Freddie every second weekend whenever he was in LA, and for the time he wasn't, they planned special times when he could take him with him to London, for example, or also on holiday if it wasn't too long.

The first time Harry had seen Freddie was on his first birthday when he and Louis went to LA together. He immediately loved that little lad, who was a ball full of energy, just like his dad. And Harry also found that he couldn't say no to Freddie's big blue eyes either. Damn those Tomlinson genes.

"Alright, let's go. We have to be at Brianna's in like five minutes." Louis said, heading towards the garage. Harry followed him with Freddie holding on to his hand, grinning and bouncing with hurried steps to keep up with Harry's long legs.

"We going to mummy's home?" Freddie asked him while Harry strapped him into his car seat.

"Yeah, we are, buddy. Daddy and I have to be somewhere important today, so you're going home a little earlier than usually. Is that okay with you?" Harry replied.

Freddie seemed to think about it for a moment, frowning a little bit.

"Okay," was all he answered. Harry knew that that wasn't really what he was thinking, he had the same facial expression like Louis in situations like that. But he couldn't have changed anything anyway, so he decided to let it be, pressing a small kiss onto Freddie's forehead before closing the door and getting into the passenger seat.

"You look good, Haz." Louis said a few minutes into the drive. And Harry couldn't help it, hearing words like that still seemed to get him flustered. "Thanks.", he replied shyly, smiling at Louis profile. He still had times when he couldn't believe that this was his life. That Louis and he finally were together again. For good this time. Hopefully. They spent a lot of time talking after Louis' birthday that night, discussing their feelings, discussing their future. They have both grown up quite a bit, wiser in their decisions, wiser in choosing the right words instead of hot-headedly just blurting out every single thought. They knew that hurting each other purposely has never been the right way to do things, even if it was sometimes so much easier.

They have been good since then, over one and a half years now. Harry's mum was over the moon when they told her, she immediately asked them to come over and stay for a few days. Louis was a little overwhelmed at first, having someone there who has been like a second mother to him for such a long time, just a few weeks after his own mother died, was a bit too much. But in the end, he told Harry that Anne had really helped him with processing things. Of course, it was still hard sometimes, especially on Jay's birthday or any other holiday they used to spend with their family. But it got easier with time. Louis was healing, slowly but steadily. He kept his promise to talk to Harry whenever he felt down or was reminded of something again. And having Freddie with him more often was a gleam of hope in dark times, too.

They arrived at the flat that Louis had rented for Brianna and Freddie and Louis parked the car. Harry got out and opened the back door, unfastening the belts around Freddie's child seat and hoisting him out of it and onto his hip.

"We're home, buddy. Are you looking forward to seeing your mum again?" He asked him, while Louis was already at the door, asking Brianna to come downstairs.

"Yes!" Freddie grinned, swinging his legs back and forward at Harry's side, one Hand tugging at Harry's hair.

"Alright. Come on, give me a kiss, big boy. Will see you soon." Harry hugged him close one last time while Freddie pressed what he thought resembled a kiss against Harry's cheek. As soon as his feet touched the ground, he ran towards Louis, hugging him close as well.

"No kiss for me?" Louis pretended to be hurt. Freddie giggled and then pushed a wet smack against his father's cheek as well.

The door opened and Brianna came into sight, opening her arms for Freddie to run into. Louis spoke to her briefly, checking if they were still going to see Freddie in two weeks again. Harry sent her a small smile when she looked at him but otherwise stayed in the background.

When it was time for them to go, Freddie called out to him. "Bye, daddy, bye, Hazzy. See soon!"

Harry couldn't help but grin at the adorable wave Freddie gave him. He gave one back and said goodbye himself. A few seconds later Louis was back at his side, slinging one arm around Harry's waist and looking up at him.

"Ready to do this, then?" he asked with big eyes.

"As ready as I will ever be. Let's do this." Harry replied, hugging Louis close to him for a moment.

"I love you."

"I love you, too."

 

  
~~~

 

  
One hour later, they found themselves backstage at the CBS studios, waiting for their makeup to get done. They were sitting on a two-seater sofa, Louis slouched into Harry's side with Harry's arm around his shoulders. His hands were playing with the rings on Harry's hand and his right knee was bouncing nervously up and down.

"You okay, Lou?" Harry asked, squeezing him closer and kissing his temple.

"Yeah, 'm alright. Just nervous, I guess." Louis replied, sinking further into their embrace, melting them together.

And yeah. Harry got it. He was nervous, too. No matter how many times he thought about this exact moment, no matter how much he always wanted it, it was still beyond scary to be so close to it now. He was so glad that he got to do this with Louis by his side.

"Yeah, I am, too. But at the same time, I'm so excited that I kind of want to shout it from the rooftops. This is it, babe." Harry admitted quietly.

Louis turned to face Harry, looking up at him. He brought his hand up to catch Harry's chin between his fingers and pulled him into a soft kiss. Harry hummed, closing his eyes and just enjoying the feeling of Louis' lips on his own.

"This is it." Louis repeated after they separated.

 

  
~~~

 

  
Another hour later, they were sitting on the gray sofa, inside the studio, staring at a real life audience and with James Corden in front of them. This was it. They were really about to do this. Harry's heart was beating erratically, his thoughts all over the place. He could sense that Louis was the same next to him, and it took everything in him not to reach out and take Louis' hand.

Not yet.

"Welcome back, everybody. We're here with half of One Direction, Harry Styles, and Louis Tomlinson!" James introduced them again after a commercial break, "We've talked about both of your solo projects already, but everyone knows everything about that already. So let's get a bit more into it now, shall we?" He started. "I think there is one question that everyone wants to know the answer to since the beginning of your hiatus. Is One Direction coming back? It has been almost three years now, hasn't it?"

Harry and Louis grinned, looking at each other briefly. They could answer that question.

"I've always promised that we're coming back, haven't I?" Louis teased, looking at Harry again and nodding at him to give an answer.

"It's one of the reasons we're here today, we finally have an answer to that question," Harry explained. He could see the audience getting excited, their good mood immediately rubbing off on him.

"We've decided to start touring Made In The AM and a few new songs in May 2019 and we're really excited." He almost wasn't able to finish his sentence because the audience was losing it. They were screaming and clapping and just going mad, understandably.

After they finally settled down again, James began to speak again.

"Alright, that's quite big news, guys. I'm really glad to hear that. Are you sure you don't need a fifth member anymore?" he grinned, that joke was never getting old.

"Well, maybe we will bring you on stage to rap that part for Drag Me Down, that was pretty sick." Louis grinned back.

They talked about their tour for a few more minutes before James cut off for another commercial break. Because it was pre-recorded, there wasn't a real break, just a small breather for everyone.

"So, that's it, guys. You ready?" James asked them off-camera.

Harry looked at Louis, who was already looking back at him.

"Yes, we are ready. We trust you, James." He answered, sending him a small smile. James nodded and then signed for his crew to continue the recording.

"Alright, we're back with Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinson, everybody. There is one last thing we wanted to do today. There is a reason for why only the two of you are here today, isn't it?" He asked.

"Yeah, guess you could say that," Louis said, and Harry could feel himself starting to get nervous again.

"Care to elaborate?" Was all James said then. Great, so it was in their hands now. They wanted it that way, of course, wanted to be able to tell their story without somebody asking questions they probably wouldn't be able to answer.

Harry looked at Louis, who was turning his head towards him already. They looked each other in the eye for a short moment, gaining courage from each other. With a mutual agreement, they clasped their hands together between them and then turned to face James again.

"Harry and I, we uh... We're in a relationship." Louis spilled the beans, just as they had agreed on before.

For a few seconds after that, Harry was sure he would have been able to hear a pin drop inside the studio. And then after a collective gasp was heard throughout the studio, all hell broke loose. Some clapped, some screamed, some cried, some seemed perplexed and some just sat there with their mouths hanging open. Harry could hear murmurs of _'I knew it', 'wait, is this a joke?'_ and _'oh my god, Larry is real'_. He looked at Louis, who seemed to be overwhelmed as well. There was no going back now.

"Alright, calm down everyone. I know this is big news, but please let me do my job and talk to these two for a moment?" James eventually managed to calm the audience down and then turned towards Harry and Louis.

"Soo. Well, that was some news you had there. I don't even know where to start."

Louis and Harry just chuckled, not really knowing what to do either.

"Let's begin with some of the typical questions, alright?" James asked, waiting for them to agree before he started.

"Alright. So, how long have you been together?"

Harry grinned at Louis, deciding to answer that one.

"Well, if we count the first time, where we have been together for about two years, we have been together three and a half years now."

 

  
~~~

 

  
It was a few days later and they were at home, their episode of the _Late Late Show_ about to air. Louis was settled between Harry's legs, back to chest, with Harry hugging him from behind. Apart from James' crew and the audience, who all had to sign NDA's not to tell anyone until the episode was aired, no one knew about them yet. But that was going to change in a few minutes. The rest of the interview had been going well, James being really great about it all, so they felt freaking relieved afterward.

They watched the show together, hearts beating almost as fast as they did sitting on that sofa. Harry was painfully aware that in only a few moments, the whole world would know their secret. There was no going back now. 

When it was over, Louis turned around in Harry's arm and hugged him tightly, hiding his face in Harry's neck. Harry could feel him breathing shakily against his skin.

"Darling. Hey. You okay?" Harry asked, playing with Louis' hair, stroking it gently.

Louis slowly lifted his head up. "Yeah, I'm good. God, Haz. We're out."

Harry couldn't help but grin at that thought. They really did it. They finally made it.

"I know. I'm so, so proud of you for having the courage to do it, you know that? Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you so much. You don't even know."

Harry then grabbed his face in between his hands and kissed him. Days of pent-up nerves and years of keeping a secret so big that it had almost destroyed them once, simply melted away with that kiss.

They made it.

They're free.


End file.
